


A Dangerous Game

by bleedingsalt



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive Dean, Abusive Family in general, Actual Devil Lucifer, Bullying, Deal With The Devil (of sorts), Emo!Sam, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not really a deal but you'll see, Physical Abuse, Please prepare for that, Whose family basically consists of assholes, satanic rituals, seriously this is a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-10-25 07:16:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10759386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bleedingsalt/pseuds/bleedingsalt
Summary: Sam comes across a very interesting book that describes a ritual in which one can play a game with the Devil. His curiosity is sparked and even if he doesn’t think he will ever actually do it, Sam soon finds himself face to face with this very entity. Things take a very unpleasant turn, but despite that, Sam is going back, as if something pulls him towards Lucifer.





	1. Another Day In The Life Of Sam Winchester

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Devil Game](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/286968) by InfernalNightmare333 on Creepypasta. 



> Sam is 16 in this story, which is why I tagged it as Underage. And before you say it, yes, Dean is a complete asshole. It won't get better, so if you are offended by that, I would suggest you don't read this story.

Ever since he could remember, Sam had been different. Not in a way that others could see at first, but it was obvious to himself all along. He was a quiet kid, who rarely ever cried as a baby, even though his brother had been the complete opposite. At only six months old, he had lost his mother in a horrible car crash that had left police and medics in surprise and shock as to how the little baby had survived without so much as a scratch on him. For hours he had laid next to his dead mother, screaming and crying to the point of exhaustion. After that, it seemed as if all screams and cries were gone from the little boy.

Life went on and Sam retreated into himself more and more each year. It soon became obvious to the child that his father, the one who should be happy that he survived, blamed him for the accident and for the loss of his wife. For Sam, as he grew older, this was hard to accept, but at least he still had his brother, Dean, who was four years older than Sam, was never the perfect big brother, but Sam knew he loved him - in a way.

They bickered as brothers did, they fought sometimes and played pranks on each other - Dean more than Sam - but at first, Dean was Sam’s protector when things got rough. After a while, around the time Sam was ten, however, things changed. He couldn’t recall what he had done, but Dean didn’t protect him anymore from the bullies in school and he didn’t stand up for his little brother anymore, instead most of Sam’s suffering was now caused by his brother, rather than prevented.

It was rarely physical damage Dean did, he was too clever for that. Instead, he pushed Sam away emotionally and after some time, the younger brother gave up trying to get the older one’s affection. Sure, Dean was fourteen and a teenager now, of course he didn’t want to hang out with a little child like Sam was anymore. So, Sam spent more and more time by himself, reading books and wandering the streets - anything that got him away from his family and gave him some silence.

Thanks to the fact that they constantly moved, due to his father’s inability of keeping himself out of bar fights and worse, Sam never found any friends either - unlike Dean, who seemed to be the most popular kid no matter where they went. At first, Sam had tried to find friends, of course, but friendships never lasted anyways and when he was twelve, he decided to stop trying altogether. It wasn’t worth the time and effort he put into it, not to mention that he had to bend himself backwards just so anyone would even talk to him.

Sometimes, Sam felt invisible to other kids his age. The only ones he was visible for were the older ones - the ones that beat him up after school or played the worst pranks on him he could think of. There was never anyone Sam connected to, no matter where they went or who he was with. Not even the teachers seemed to care if Sam came to school bruised and with a swollen face. Worry about a child that was obviously bullied and never talked? Of course not.

Sam didn’t know when it started, but at one point he just stopped caring - at least that’s what he told himself. He began dressing in a way that showed how he felt inside, he changed the books he read and the places he went to when he wandered a town or city and by the time Sam was fifteen he had become someone others avoided on purpose, rather than just because he was no one they remembered when they met him.

This change of style and behavior sparked a new problem, one Sam did not expect. His brother, who was now nineteen and proudly following their father’s footsteps by drinking and fucking around, began treating him worse than before. He made fun of his little brother practically every day now, whenever they saw each other he would have a degrading comment or a new, hurtful name for Sam. It was as if the younger one had become his center of amusement and Sam hated it with a passion. Sam went through this for one year and three schools, until he just couldn’t take it anymore.

On his sixteenth birthday, Sam did something that provoked his brother once more and that earned him a pretty bad beating from his dad. He convinced someone that he was nineteen already and came home in the evening with a piercing through his right eyebrow. This, combined with the fact that he once again wore dark makeup around his eyes and a father who was drunk out of his mind, almost landed him in the hospital that night. His dad was furious, completely out of his mind when his son came home looking like a ‘drag queen in black’, as he called it, and Sam had a hard time defending his face from the blows into his direction. After almost thirty minutes of verbal and physical abuse, Sam was finally able to escape the wrath of his father and locked himself in his room.

It was early morning when someone knocked at Sam’s door and woke him from an almost comatose-like slumber - Dean. Naive as Sam was, he hoped Dean would take his side when he opened the door, but his brother proved him wrong once again.

“Wow, Sammy! You’re taking this chick-thing pretty serious now, huh?”

Sam immediately knew Dean, too, was pretty drunk. He wished he could excuse those words with the fact that his brother wasn’t himself, but he knew better than that.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Sam asked instead, having a hard time to articulate himself with the swollen lip his father gave him.

Dean laughed in response and slapped Sam’s shoulder hard.

“First the makeup and now you’re getting a fake piercing, too?”

“It’s not fake!” Sam spat back and pushed Dean’s hand away - it was disgusting when Dean touched him while being drunk, Sam absolutely hated it.

“Yeah, right,” Dean scoffed and then - not even paying attention to Sam’s protest - tugged on the fresh piercing on his brother’s eyebrow. Sam immediately screamed in pain and slapped Dean’s hand away before covering his eye.

“That hurts, asshole!”

“Stop being so emo, geez,” Dean shook his head and pushed Sam out of the way to get to the bed. “You’re such a loser, really.”

Sam couldn’t even answer before Dean crashed onto his bed and kicked his boots off - right into the younger one’s direction and with one hitting him directly in the stomach.

“One day you’ll have to stop being such a coward and become a man, Sammy.”

Seconds later, loud snoring filled the room.

For a few minutes, Sam simply stared at his brother with his hands clenched to fists and his face hurting like mad. He couldn’t believe how Dean managed to be such an ass toward him, even though he never did anything to deserve this. Hell, a big brother should have asked him what happened, not just go back to push him down even further!

“I hate you, you stupid, drunk idiot,” Sam eventually mumbled, his voice filled with anger and despise. “You are a fucking jerk!”

There was no reaction from his brother, but Sam knew he wouldn’t get one. When Dean passed out, he was gone for a while. Summoning all the willpower he had, Sam stepped forward and kicked Dean’s ass that had slid off the bed half-way. Again, there was no reaction. With tears building up in his eyes, Sam grabbed for his backpack and stormed out of the room, past his dad - who was passed out just as Dean - and smashed the door on his way outside so hard the windows next to it clinked.


	2. An Interesting Discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Sam stormed away from his brother, he wanders the streets of the town to calm down. He stumbles across a strange store he has never seen before and can't keep his curiosity under control. Inside, he makes a very intriguing discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A book/movie reference is 'hidden' in this, I'm curious how many of you spot it ;D

Sam was sick and tired of Dean’s constant teasing and name-calling - it was even worse than what he experienced from his dad all the time. Dean had actually liked him at one point, so having him show so much hatred toward his little brother was much more painful than experiencing John’s constant hate. Dean calling him a coward, a chick or an emo - those things stung, even if Sam always tried to not show how much it got to him. He was not a coward, no matter what Dean said. He was constantly treated like shit - from his family and everyone he met. But he was not a fucking coward!

“Screw this asshole,” Sam muttered and pushed his hands deeper down into his pockets, kicking a stone in front of him and sending it into the distance. “Screw Dean and his stupid opinion, he doesn’t know shit…”

Yeah, Dean didn’t know shit, but it didn’t help easing the feeling of being unwanted sadly. If he could only show Dean that he was not what he thought he was, that he was worthy of being his brother and not just a little cockroach that happened to live with him - which was exactly how Sam felt for years now.

Sighing, Sam shook his head and kept walking through the still empty streets of the town they called home for the moment, without a real goal in mind. Sometimes he went to the library just to get away from everything, but it was still closed and no other place really sparked his interest at the moment. Not that anyone was particularly nice at the library to him either, but at least he was left alone there most of the time, unlike at home.

After almost an hour of aimlessly strolling around, Sam found himself in front of a small store he had never noticed before. The window was filled with skulls, black candles and books bound in leather - some even seemed to have blood splattered over the letters on their covers. Curious, Sam leaned a little closer to inspect everything. He had a weird feeling of familiarity when his eyes went over the titles. Why did he never see this store before? He walked along this street every day for a few months now to go to school, he should have noticed it by now.

Suddenly, the door next to Sam opened and  a bell rang, startling the boy so much that he jumped back. He turned around, facing a young woman with pale skin, long, black hair and a smile on her black lips.

“Found something interesting?” she asked without greeting and Sam relaxed a little. “We have more inside, if you want to take a look.”

Just the store owner or an employee, no need to freak out, he told himself.

“What kind of store is this?” Sam asked, trying not to sound too rude. The woman smiled at him.

“Why don’t you come inside and see for yourself?” she said mysteriously.

Sam should have been suspicious, but he really wasn’t. Instead, he nodded and followed the woman inside the store, the door closing behind them with the same, kind of creepy bell ringing.

The store was a weird place - a mixture of old and new stuff, barely enough light to see every corner and filled with stuff that would cause some people nightmares for sure. Sam, however, had seen worse and now his interest was definitely there. The woman retreated behind the counter and left Sam to explore the store by himself, which he did with a lot of curiosity.

Sam soon found out it was an occult store - as if he couldn’t have guessed from the things in the window already. They had a shelf of different candles, from white to black, with descriptions of what each color stood for, a variety of goblets with skulls and claws around them and another shelf with a selection of books, similar to the ones in the window.

Those books were the most interesting for Sam and he knelt down, going through the titles slowly. It seemed that every book was only here once, ranging from stuff about general magic to books about demons, possessions and even ancient rituals. One book in particular stood out to Sam and he carefully took it out of the shelf. It was bound in black leather, with silver letters on the back and cover. There was no author mentioned directly, but in the bottom right corner of the cover, Sam found the letters “LCF”. He let his fingers run over the three letters, frowning slightly. The title of the book read “The Devil’s Game”.

“Found something you like?” Sam heard a voice from behind and stood up, book in hand.

“This book, it has no price tag on it,” he said and walked over to the counter, showing the woman what he had found. She took a close look at the cover, then nodded and looked back up at him.

“I couldn’t get around to price everything yet, do you want to buy it?”

“Depends on the price, how much is it?”

“Since you’re my first customer, I will give you a special price,” the woman smiled. Much to Sam’s surprise she then walked away from the counter, towards the shelf with the candles. Sam waited patiently as she picked up a few candles, then went over to a different shelf and got something else before returning to him. “And, if you buy it, you’ll get this on top. As a small bonus.”

“What is this?” Sam asked and eyed her selection suspiciously. Seven red candles and a ball of what looked like red wool. He was slightly confused.

“You might find it useful later,” she said smirking and typed a price into her register. “The book will be ten-fifty, the rest is free of course. What do you say?”

Ten-fifty for a book that barely had a hundred pages and that he would be through within a day? Sam hesitated, but something about this old thing was intriguing.

“Ten-fifty and I’ll get those on top of it?” he asked again, raising a brow. The woman nodded patiently. Sam usually wasn’t one for impulse buys, but this time he didn’t really care and decided to risk it. After all, it wasn’t that much money. “Alright, I’ll take it.”

“Awesome!” the woman looked very happy when she took Sam’s money and handed him a small black bag where she put everything into. “I’m sure you will be very pleased with your purchase!”

“Hopefully,” Sam laughed a bit nervous. He wasn’t sure how he could be pleased by this book, but he would definitely find out soon.


	3. Books And Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam immediately dives into the book he bought at night, only to find himself fascinated against his will. It's a weird book, but after a disturbing nightmare, he can't help but go back to it, if only to kill some time. He does more than just that.

It was way past midnight when Sam finally put the book he had purchased in the morning down. He had spent the last few hours unable to take his eyes off the words, fascinated by what the book revealed to him. At first he was confused by the way the book was written - as if the author spoke directly to him and no one else - but after a while he got used to the style and devoured every single word he found. The book wasn’t about any real magic or spells or anything, but exactly about what the title promised: a game.

When Sam finally put the book down the thoughts ran wild in his head. He knew why the woman gave him candles and the red string now, but it made as little sense as what he had just read. Did she read the book herself and expected him to play the game? Or was she messing with him, daring him to do it? No, that couldn’t be. She couldn’t know if he would take the book seriously or not. Hell, he didn’t even know it himself yet. A game that allowed you to speak to the devil? How crazy was that?

Then again, it was written in a very convincing way and Sam wondered if it was something that worked or that some weird guy made up. After all, it was just a book, right? Even if it seemed very convincing, it was just written words in a book that he bought.

Sam would have reread the book again, if only to look for anything that didn’t fit the story, but it was already too late and his eyes barely stayed open, even when he tried to force it. So, he closed the book and shoved it under his bed, turned off the light and laid down to sleep. It was Sunday the next day, so he would have another day to contemplate about what he had read, but for now he needed some sleep or he would be a walking corpse in the morning - more than he was anyways, of course.

That night, for the first time in a while, Sam had very weird dreams. At first, he was on a field under the full moon, staring at the sky with its stars so bright that everything was sparkling. Then he heard Dean’s voice, taunting him that he was a baby and would always be one and that he would be better off without this emo brother holding him back all the time. Sam turned around, determined to tell Dean that he was not a baby, but when he did, there was no Dean. Instead, he suddenly stood in a church and stared at a huge mirror. It wasn’t his reflection he saw though, it was a shadow inside, with eyes glowing as red as gleaming coal. He was frozen in place when a raspy and dark voice spoke to him.

“Are you brave enough to play my game, Sam?”

The boy woke up, covered in sweat and with his heart racing in his chest. His breath went heavy for over a minute before he finally realized that he was awake and that the weird noise he heard was his brother in the other room, snoring. He laid back, closed his eyes and covered them with one of his arms.

“Damn…” he whispered weakly.

Sam was used to nightmares since he was a young child, but this voice was giving him the creeps much more than even the worst of them. It still echoed in his head, whispering his name over and over - creeping him out and at the same time luring him, which was much worse for some reason.

After a few minutes, when he realized he wouldn’t fall asleep again, Sam sat back up and looked at his clock. It was shortly after four in the morning, much too early to get up, but what was he supposed to do? No, tonight he wouldn’t get any more sleep, so instead of tossing around for a few hours, Sam decided to stop bothering.

As silently as he could, Sam got dressed and sneaked into the kitchen of the small apartment to grab something to eat and drink, before returning to his room. He switched on the light, got a notebook and pen from his desk, then crawled back onto the bed and pulled his new book out from under the pillow. Since he had a lot of time, he thought, he could use it to go through the book again and make notes. So far, Sam wasn’t sure why he even thought about doing this - after all he wouldn’t go out and break into a church to summon the devil, right? But, for some reasons, he still felt the need to do it.

His notebook quickly filled with words, ranging from the things needed for the game, to the individual steps to play it. It really wasn’t that difficult, now that he saw it all in front of him. He still had no idea why the woman in the shop gifted him the candles and yarn, but it would spare him another shopping trip, if he actually considered doing this. Apart from that he would just need salt, a lighter and a church with a full-length mirror. Didn’t sound impossible, especially considering that the town they resided in right now had an old church they abandoned a few years ago. It was about thirty minutes away from their apartment and the verger who usually guarded it, was sick in the hospital at the moment, leaving the church unattended. How he knew that? Well, coincidence or not, the verger was also the pastor of his school and they got the news the week before.

“That’s insane,” Sam huffed when he read through his notes again and shook his head. “Why am I even thinking about this?”

The answer came clear, but it came from a voice inside his head that wasn’t his own.

“Because you are going to do this.”

It was the voice from his dream again, but this time it sounded less raspy and much more real than before. Still, it sent a shiver through Sam’s whole body and he shook his head more determined.

“No, no I’m not gonna play a game with the devil,” he said, but his voice was not at all convincing, not even to himself. “I’m not that stupid.”

But was that the truth? Really? He had no idea. Sure, Sam wasn’t stupid and he knew that, but even thinking about something like this was a very stupid idea and he couldn’t deny that. Still, if he would be careful, he could do it and come out of it unharmed - if it even worked. Sam couldn’t imagine this actually working under any circumstances. Sure, he knew sometimes weird things happened, but talking with the devil? In a church, of all places? That was ridiculous!

When Sam was done with the book again, faster this time, because he was only looking for specific information, it was almost six. He carefully closed the book, when he noticed something that had escaped his eyes the first time. The last page of the book was not the actual last page - it was kind of glued to the cover. Sam lifted the book up and as careful as possible began freeing the paper. It took a little effort to not rip the page in half, but eventually he managed to get it off the cover and turned it.

To his surprise, Sam found a symbol on top of the last page, followed by a few words written in a neat and small handwriting.

For those who dare play this game, I welcome you to try your luck.

Maybe you are the one who will finally be a true competition.

After all, you are smart enough to not fall into any of the traps, right?

LCF

Again, those three letters. LCF. Sam had been a regular visitors of libraries all over the U.S. and not a single time he had seen any book written by someone with those initials - he assumed they were initials, because everything else made even less sense. Sure, he couldn’t have possibly found all authors in existence in the ten years he was actively reading, but he still wondered how he never stumbled across it.

“This is insane,” he eventually huffed and finally closed the book.

No, he wouldn’t play this stupid game, no matter how tempting it appeared. It was just a creepy book, words written by someone who wanted to mess with people or just did it for the money. People didn’t go out and crucified others because the Bible said it, so why should he go and try to talk with the devil because this book said it?

Determined to forget about all of this, Sam took the book and the notebook and shoved them into his backpack. He also put the candles and yarn into it to get everything out of his sight and then, finally, sat back and ate the food he had sitting next to him for two hours now.

After he was done eating and finished his coke, Sam was positive that he wouldn’t do anything crazy. He instead got up from the bed, went to his bathroom and decided to take a long shower to wash all this crap away, if only metaphorically. Sam took his time showering and washing his hair, almost stayed until the water was ice cold and when he eventually stepped out of the shower again, he felt much better than before.

It was almost seven o’clock when Sam was done drying his hair and began dressing. He choose his favorite black pants, the ones that had chains on the sides and was ripped at the knees, a plain, black shirt and his combat boots. For a moment he thought about leaving it like that, but then decided to screw his dad’s complaints and put on makeup around his eyes - mainly because it made him feel much better about himself and people usually left him the hell alone when he did. With a deadly look on his face after putting the makeup on, he nodded at his reflection and carefully let his fingers glide over his eyebrow piercing.

“At least he didn’t rip it out,” Sam mumbled to himself, remembering how Dean had tugged on it the last day. It was still slightly red where the metal pushed through his skin, but there was no infection and he really liked how it had turned out. With a little smile on his face, Sam left the bathroom and got his jacket from the wardrobe - a slightly too big leather jacket that he wore almost every day if possible - and shouldered his backpack.

It was Sunday, so no school or chores around the apartment had to be done, and Sam decided to see if he could find a quiet place somewhere to just sit down and think a little. Thinking was usually impossible at home on Sundays, because Dean would either bring some girl home or annoy him with loud music the whole day and his dad would ultimately get into a fight with his brother about it. Almost every time Sam was the one who had to pay for any of this, since when his dad was done with his brother, he often turned to Sam to punish him for stuff he never did - or Dean would pester him with annoying comments about his appearance or behavior. So, instead of waiting for this to happen, Sam rather spent the day outside alone than mess with his family. It caused much less drama.

Sam sneaked into the kitchen again and made himself some sandwiches for lunch that he put into his backpack, as well as two cans of coke and an apple that wasn’t spoiled yet - Dean and his dad never ate any sort of fruits, so they didn’t care if they were rotting or not. When he left the apartment, both of them were still asleep and Sam couldn’t have been more glad about that.


	4. Shattered Trust And Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam tries taking his mind off things by spending the morning outside, but when he's back home things go downhill very quickly. Dean does the unthinkable and when Sam tries to comfort him, the last bit of trust he has is crushed immediately.

The day was rather mild for the beginning of May, which surprised Sam a little. A few days before it had been almost freezing cold outside, but now the sun was warming him up as he walked through the streets. Normally, Sam wasn’t one to enjoy the sun, but today he didn’t mind too much - everything was better than being caught between his dad and brother fighting and yelling at each other.

He went to his school first, without a real reason, and spent some time in his favorite spot on the property - a group of weeping willows that created a small hideout in the middle. He often sat there during the breaks when he was in school, which earned the tree group the nickname “emo cave”. Sam wasn’t surprised, not really. He was picked on at home and in school alike, but he liked this place and the silence it provided, especially when no one was around.

Sam stayed there until around noon, browsing through the book he had bought and smoking the cigarettes he had pickpocketed from his dad the week before. Somehow, he wished to have taken a bottle of booze too, but it might cause more problems if he came back home drunk, so he shrugged it off. After finishing one of his sandwiches and a can of coke, Sam got up and decided to pay the occult store he visited the day before another visit. Maybe it was open on Sundays, who knew?

Unsurprisingly, the store was closed when Sam arrived, but he didn’t mind. The decoration in the window had changed and now displayed something that looked like an altar, with the statue of an angel in the middle - all black and with wings that made Sam wonder how it was held up straight. He knelt down and took a closer look. The angel was incredibly detailed and beautiful, especially for a rather small statue like this, and if he would have wanted, he could have counted the single feathers on the wings. He was stunned by how many details he noticed now, like the chains wrapping around the legs and lower body of the angel and the expression on his face. The angel seemed to be in horrible pain and agony, which made Sam feel sad for no reason.

Draped around the angel were black roses that looked very real and different pendants - pentagrams, crosses and a different symbol that looked kind of familiar, even if Sam couldn’t recall where he had seen it before. Candles were there too, black and red, and a single book in front of the angel. Its title finally gave the whole arrangement a meaning. It read: “The Fall Of The Morningstar”.

Sam had to admire the beauty of this decoration, it was really special and unique. He made a mental note to come visit the store again after school the next day, if only to compliment the woman who had sold him the book the day before on the beautiful arrangement. And he kind of wanted to know if the statue was for sale, too. Not that he would put it up in his room or anything, but he really liked how it looked. It was probably too expensive for him anyways, but asking wouldn’t hurt, right?

Sam spent the rest of the afternoon on the railroads near the old abandoned church of the town, only once being disturbed by an old lady, who asked what he thought he was doing there. One glare from the dangerous looking teen was enough to scare the woman away, though. Sam didn’t even have to speak, but he was used to that. People got scared of him easily; he was tall, pale and wore black, tattered and spiked clothes. Combined with his dark makeup and the look of utter disgust he usually had on his face when he was with others it was a reaction he expected. He was not dangerous at all, he just wanted to be left alone, but they didn’t know that of course. Even the ones that knew - Dean, for example - didn’t care much.

The town was dying, Sam knew that, even at his young age. Factories closed since they were here, businesses closed just as fast as they appeared and the majority of the citizens were way over fifty - everyone who could simply moved away to a more lively town. Because of that, the train station had been closed a few months ago and the tracks were only used once or twice a day now, if at all. Sam had his beloved silence here too, apart from this one disturbance, and when the sky turned dark he decided it was time to go back home.

On his way back to the apartment, Sam passed the abandoned church. Curiosity got the best of him and after making sure no one was on the street, he carefully tried the handle on the verger’s door. For a moment he was confused because the door actually moved - then he quickly closed it again and left the building. No, this was a dumb impulse, he wouldn’t go inside and sneak around.

The fact that the door was not locked, however, stayed on his mind for a long time after that. If it was unlocked - and the verger would stay in the hospital for as long as he had been told - the church would stay like this for a few weeks. Long enough to…

“Enough.” Sam suddenly said loud, stopping this trail of thoughts and startling a young mother in front of him, who came into his direction. She quickly pulled her little son closer and walked past him as fast as she could, but Sam didn’t pay attention to her.

No, he couldn’t allow himself to even think about this church or what possibilities an open door would provide him - it would only lead to something he didn’t want to happen. Sam buried his hands in his pockets again, lowered his head and stomped back home.

This evening, things got bad again. Apparently Dean had ‘borrowed their dad’s car during the day to impress some girls and brought it back with a huge scratch on the driver’s side. He came home around ten in the evening and that was when the fight began. Sam, knowing full well what would come, locked himself in his room when his dad began yelling. They argued, they yelled and even threw stuff around for almost an hour, without any of them getting tired of the same things being said over and over again. Sam had no idea how Dean could have been so dumb, they both knew the Impala was their dad’s treasure and even touching it without permission was a sacrilege in his eyes

Still, Dean had managed to get drunk, drive the car along a wall and came back without thinking much of it. While they argued, Sam tried to distract himself by reading some of his school books, but to no much success. He still heard every single insult, all the dumb excuses his brother managed to come up with and then - followed by a deadly silence - a loud slap.

Sam held his breath, waiting for one of them to start yelling again, but there was no sound from outside. Finally, when the tension got so intense that he could barely take it anymore, he heard the shaking voice of his brother.

“D-dad, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to -”

Dean’s voice was cut off by what sounded like a grunt and then Sam heard a loud bang and his brother gasp in pain and surprise. He didn’t dare to move while listening to what followed, but it was worse than ever before. His dad was raging. Several loud bangs echoed through the apartment, various things were broken - one of them definitely the ugly vase in the kitchen - and when the noise died, Sam heard a quiet whimper, which scared him the most. He had never heard his brother whimper, not even during the worst times their dad came home drunk out of his mind.

“Get out of my sight, Dean.”

The sound of their dad’s voice was suddenly eerily calm and Sam heard heavy and very slow steps pass by his room before the door to Dean’s was shut quietly. He still just sat there with wide eyes and stared at his own door, waiting for his dad to turn his attention to him now, but this time it didn’t happen. A few minutes of silence later, Sam heard the apartment door being shut with force and silence filled the air once again.

Whatever Dean had done - Sam expected he finally had enough and had actually lashed out to their dad - this time he had gone too far. Yes, John wasn’t one to hold back with hitting his sons when they misbehaved - whatever he deemed misbehavior at the state of his mind - but Sam had never heard him lose control like this. In the silence, the teenager pushed himself off the bed, pressed his ear against the wall to Dean’s room and listened.

For a moment, he couldn’t hear anything because of his own blood rushing through his head, but after a while the same whimpering sound from before came from Dean’s room. Sam swallowed hard. His brother was never one to cry or show weakness, so he really didn’t know what he was supposed to do right now. Finally, after a few minutes of listening, he summoned all his strength to act.

“Dean?” he asked, loud enough so the other would hear him. “Are you okay?”

“Shut up, Sam! I don’t need your pity!” The answer was angry and hurt Sam a lot, even if he would never admit it to Dean.

“What happened? Did you… hit him?”

“I said shut up you stupid baby!” Dean suddenly yelled and hit the wall Sam leaned onto, causing his younger brother to jump back from the sudden bang. “If I need pity from a chick I’ll go find one!”

Sam was used to his brother calling him names, but the tone of his voice when he said that was filled with so much despise and hate that it was ten times worse than anything else he ever said to him. How could he be so cruel and mean when all Sam wanted was to be there for him? Even after all he had to suffer from his brother, Sam still loved him - he was his brother after all. Why couldn’t he see that?

After nothing more came from Dean, Sam turned back around and sat down on his bed, holding his face in his hands. Whatever John had just done to his brother, it must be the reason he acted out like this now. He just couldn’t believe that Dean was  _ not  _ out of his mind right now, that couldn’t be.

Suddenly, Sam heard mumbling from the other room and listened up. Apparently, Dean thought his brother couldn’t hear him - or he didn’t care if he could - because what Sam heard through the thin wall made his body tense up completely.

“Stupid emo crybaby, thinking he can give me his childish attitude. Can’t even drink legally and thinks he has anything to say to me. Stupid brother, stupid father, I should just fucking leave and let them rot without me. They’ll see what they have in me when I’m gone, dumb retards. As if I’d need any of them…”

Sam listened to this rambling for several minutes, one sentence worse than the other and every single one like a knife, cutting through his skin. Dean called him a cunt, a stupid idiot, a little bitch, a coward who couldn’t even defend himself and, worst of all and the one thing Sam wished he wouldn’t have heard - because he could stand everything else but this - he called him responsible for their mother’s death. 

This, more than anything else, was the worst Dean had ever said or did. Sam already knew this was how his dad thought about him, but his brother - the one who basically raised him and whom he had adored as a small child like a god? He never expected him to feel the same about him.

Tears shot into Sam’s eyes and when he began processing the weight of these words and what they meant. He couldn’t believe it - didn’t  _ want  _ to believe Dean felt about him like this - but he had heard it, there was no denying it. Dean blamed Sam for taking his mother away from him, just like his dad did.

Sam didn’t know how long he sat there, but eventually he got off the bed and got dressed - he didn’t even realize what he was doing, he felt like a marionette that was moved against his will. His hand was numb when he grabbed his backpack and then unlocked his door, his eyes completely empty, apart from the veil of tears he looked through. He slowly dragged himself to the kitchen, grabbed something from the counter and then left the apartment, without looking back. He didn’t know where he was heading yet, but he couldn’t stay in this place any longer, not with knowing the truth about the only person that was still important to him.


	5. Face To Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam finally plays the game, but things don't go the way he expected them to go. He asks the one question that he should have never asked, receiving an answer that's more than he wanted.

Sam wandered around, apparently aimlessly, but he quickly realized that he had a destination in mind and that he didn’t care about the consequences of what he was about to do. All cautiousness was forgotten when his hand closed around the door handle of the verger’s apartment this time and he pushed the door open to slide in.

The room he stood in was a combination of kitchen and living room. He walked straight past the old couch, towards the door that led to a short corridor, which ultimately brought him to the church itself. Those doors were both open too, but this time Sam didn’t question why or how this was possible. He ignored the big chapel-like church ship and headed towards the big storeroom in the back of it. This door was not open, but a quick search on the top of the door frame revealed the key that granted him access. He took it with him, just in case, and locked the door behind himself once he was inside.

The light switch still worked and when Sam pressed it, it revealed a room full of various things that the church rarely used for the service - not as much as there had been when the church was still regularly used, but the important thing Sam had hoped to find was there. Leaning against one of the walls was a huge, cloth-covered mirror, full of dust and dirt. Sam stepped over to the mirror, carefully pulling the cloth off. It was still intact, despite a few signs of old age like black spots in the upper half. Apart from that, however, it was exactly what Sam needed and he nodded toward his reflection.

It took him ten minutes to set up everything the way he was supposed to, the most difficult part was to create an unbroken circle of salt around the mirror - after a little bit of crawling he managed to do that just fine, though. After he made sure that the circle was not disturbed and the candles would not fall over, Sam wrapped the red yarn around the mirror and lit the candles.

Sam stopped there for a moment, contemplating if he was really about to do this. He still had the option to just gather everything and walk out of the church with no harm, but why should he do that? What was the worst that could happen, that his soul was trapped and the devil was let loose on the world? So what? It wasn’t as if he had anything to lose at this point anyways. Instead of aborting the ritual, Sam turned to the wall behind him, took the crucifix that hung on it and turned it upside down. Then he walked over to the light switch and turned the light off. He carefully made his way back to face the mirror, checking the protections once more, and then began concentrating on what he wanted to do. It took a minute before he felt a sudden calm and a slight tingle in his chest, to which he closed his eyes and began to count.

“One… two… three… four… five… six… seven… eight… nine… ten…”

After taking one last deep breath, Sam slowly opened his eyes and stared back at his reflection in the mirror. Only this time, the reflection was not of himself. Realization hit him that the ritual he had deemed a joke before was far from that and for a moment, Sam’s heart actually stopped beating.

Staring at him from the mirror was a man in his early or mid-thirties, with short, dirty blond hair and a face that Sam could only describe as handsome. There was a smirk on his lips, his arms crossed on his chest, but all of this wasn’t what made Sam’s heart skip a few beats - it was his eyes drawing this reaction. The man’s eyes were such an intense blue that they reminded Sam of an ocean, but one that was able to produce deadly storms. There was something dangerous in those eyes - a knowledge that he could not wrap his mind around. As if they had seen every nightmares in existence and they lived inside of them, waiting to break back to the surface.

“What do you desire of me, human?”

Sam flinched at the sound of his voice - a voice that was almost exactly the same as the one he had heard in his nightmare earlier. It was dark and deep, but now had a new layer to it that sounded almost like honey to the boy. He quickly collected himself, however, and straightened himself the best he could.

“I wish to challenge you to a game of questions and answers.”

Sam’s voice was shaking, but not as bad as he feared it would, considering he was apparently speaking to the devil himself now. The man in the mirror nodded, the smirk on his lips turning into a full-on smile now.

“Very well, I accept your challenge,” he said quietly.

Sam waited for the other to ask a question, but instead something about his face changed suddenly. His eyes narrowed slightly, which made Sam feel very uncomfortable and cold, but he kept looking at him as he had read he must.

“You are scared of me, aren’t you?” The devil eventually asked.

Sam swallowed heavily, feeling as if he had been caught red-handed.

“I… a little, yes,” he finally whispered carefully. “I mean, I am, yeah…” Could it be that this was actually the first question Sam had to answer? Could it be that simple?

“I can see that,” the Devil smirked. “Your hands are shaking.”

Sam almost looked down, but caught himself the last moment. A trap to make him look away. He should have expected it. That was a good one, he had to admit.

“I’m speaking to the Devil, not being scared would be very dumb,” he said instead, cracking a slight smirk himself. To his surprise, the devil nodded and signed him to proceed with the game.

“Your question.”

Sam contemplated whether or not the answer he would get be the truth, but he was positive that he had just answered with the truth, so he just hoped for the best and burst out with the question that burned on his mind all this time.

“Am I the reason my mom died? Did I cause the accident?” Tears built up in Sam’s eyes as he asked the question to which he never thought he would hear the answer. “Is she dead because of me?”

“Those are three questions, boy. But I will answer them, because they all mean the same to you, don’t they?”

Sam nodded, trying his best to hold the tears back.

“When you and your mother had the accident that killed her,” the devil said in a sharp and cold voice and with his eyes glued to Sam’s. “she was trying to calm you down because you were uneasy. She reached over with her hand to hold yours and didn’t pay attention to the traffic. It was enough for it to be too late to switch lanes when the other car appeared in front of her. So, yes, she died because she tried to comfort you and didn’t keep her eyes on the road, as she should have.”

Sam barely heard the last words the devil spoke. They sounded far away, as if he heard them through a thick wall. He still kept his eyes on the mirror, but his knees gave in and he sank to the ground, tears now running freely over his cheeks and his heart shattering into pieces. Through his blurred vision, Sam couldn’t see the expression of the devil change from superior to confused, but when he hit the ground and suddenly began sobbing like a child, the devil was almost as frozen as Sam had been when he first saw him.

For the boy, his world had just been shattered and he didn’t care anymore if he would look away and free the devil or not - his worst nightmare had just become reality and it hurt too much to care for anything. It was worse than the broken nose his dad had given him when he was six, worse than the nightmares that had plagued him for years after Dean began pushing him away, simply worse than everything he ever experienced in his short life. He didn’t know how he would be able to live with this knowledge for even a minute longer. His dad had been right, his brother had been right. He was the reason his mom was gone, no one else. Even breathing hurt so much right now that Sam wished to just stop and descent into hell forever.


	6. The Truth Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer dropped the big bomb and Sam feels completely crushed. He just wants to die right now, but for some reason he cannot understand Lucifer tries to comfort him in his agony.

Minutes passed and Sam still sobbed and cried, now not even looking at the mirror anymore. He simply cowered on the ground, begging for this to not be true and for the devil to tell him he was lying, that it was not his fault and that she didn’t die because of him.

Despite Sam’s obvious breaking of the rules of the game, the Devil simply stared at him without any visible reaction, apart from the surprise - almost shock - in his blue eyes. According to the rules, he was free now; able to leave the mirror and cause chaos as he pleased - but all of this didn’t even cross his mind. He just looked at the devastated and begging boy on the ground, wishing himself that he would have just lied when he told him the truth. This was a first time for him, never before did he feel pity for one of the humans he played this game with - or any other human for that matter. But for this boy he somehow did.

“You lied,” Sam finally sobbed, angrily wiping his eyes, even though they became wet again right away. “You’re the Devil, you lied!” Now his voice was more desperate, pleading almost, and he looked back at the mirror with the most heartbroken eyes the devil had ever seen. “Tell me you lied, I beg you!”

“You answered my question truthfully,” the devil said, his voice slightly heavier than before. “I returned the favor. Those are the rules.”

“This can’t be… they can’t be right! Dad… Dean… they can’t be right…”

“I am afraid, they are.”

“No…” Sam sniffed and fell back on the ground, his fists clenched onto his pants and tears still rolling over his cheeks. “They are right hating me… I took her from them…”

“You were still an infant when it happened,” the devil heard himself say, unsure as to why he was trying to comfort this human. He should have been pleased by this reaction, so why wasn’t he? “You are not to blame for anything.”

“But… if it wasn’t for me, she would still be alive,” Sam mumbled, but to his surprise, the devil shook his head.

“This isn’t how things work,” he said calmly. “If you would not have been with her when it happened, it would have been something that rolled off the passenger’s seat which she would have grabbed for. Or she would have turned on the radio or opened a window.”

“W-what…?” Sam didn’t understand what the other was saying, but his devastation was replaced with confusion, allowing him to pay attention again.

“You cannot escape Death, it’s not possible. Someone who is supposed to die, will die, or else the consequences are disastrous. She would have died one way or the other, you simply happened to be there when she did and provided the indicator for it to happen.”

Sam couldn’t believe this, but if what the devil just said was true, then is was not entirely his fault. If he would have stayed at home, she still would have died? It was nothing he could wrap his mind around, not really.

“I… I don’t know what to say…” Sam eventually whispered, defeated and confused.

“You caused her death, but it was not your fault. It would have happened even if your brother would have been with her or if she would have been completely alone. Do you understand?”

“I think so, yeah…” Sam sighed audibly.

“Then, I assume it is my turn now.”

Sam nodded, even though he had no desire to keep playing this game anymore. He felt exhausted and broken, he probably looked like a racoon with bad makeup skills and he had no idea how much time had passed already - nothing good could come out of this anymore, he knew it.

“Do you feel like you deserve to live, knowing what you know now?”

Sam’s alarm bells were not ringing at this very personal question, so he simply shook his head, his sad and wet eyes on the blue ones in front of him.

“I never thought I deserved to live,” he sighed. “My dad hates me, it looks like my brother does too and they have every right to, so why should I deserve to live? I only ever cause problems, the only thing I am good for is to be their punching bag.”

“So, you determine your worth in this world on them?”

“How can I not? They are my family, your family is supposed to love you. If you are a burden to them and they hate you, what is your worth then?”

Lucifer frowned at this weird answer, forcing himself not to answer it. The strange feeling of sympathy intensified for some reasons. Even if he knew everything about this boy’s life already, hearing him speak like this had an unexpected effect on him.

“Your turn,” he said quietly instead.

Sam took a long time to ask a question and when he did, it was very half-hearted.

“Will it stop feeling like I’m dying one day?” Sam’s voice was filled with agony, the same kind of agony that he had always feared during his life. “Will it stop feeling like my heart will explode inside my chest, even when I breathe?”

“It will,” the devil gulped audibly, failing to keep himself fully under control. “You will feel horrible and it will hurt, but once you’ll accept that what happened would not have changed, even without you being there, it will get better.”

“Okay,” Sam took a deep breath. “Your turn.”

For some reason, the devil wanted the game to end now. This boy didn’t deserve to suffer the consequences of messing this up, even if he couldn’t understand why he thought like this. He was just a human after all, nothing special. Then again, maybe he was, given how he was the only one to actually make the devil feel something other than anger and hatred.

“What is your full name?”

Now, finally, Sam’s inner alert warned him.

“You know my name,” he said, narrowing his eyes. He knew it was a trap this time.

“I do, yes,” the devil smiled, almost innocently. “But I would like to hear it from you.”

“I will give you my name if you give me yours.”

Silence followed and the devil was surprised by the request, one he had never received before. He wasn’t sure if the boy knew that the name thing worked vice versa, but giving the human his name himself gave him power over him just as much.

“Very well,” the Devil finally said. “My name is Lucifer, but you knew that already, too.”

“I did, yes,” Sam nodded. He didn’t expect him to say his name, so now he had to deliver. “My name is Sam.”

“Full name?”

“Winchester,”

“You know I now have power over you, do you?”

“Of course,” Sam smirked. “But I have power over you, too.”

The devil knew this, he would have been very dumb not to, but somehow he did not mind Sam knowing his name. Who would have thought this would ever happen, but this boy interested him.

“You should end the game now, Sam. You are getting close to the hour mark.”

“Why are you telling me that?” Sam wondered confused.

“As unbelievable as it sounds, I do not wish for you to go over the time limit. But, I have a request, as a small appreciation of me telling you to end the game in time, if you will. You do not have to fulfill it, however.”

“What is it?”

“I would like you to come back.”

Sam wanted to be surprised, shocked even, but he wasn’t. He kind of expected Lucifer’s request to be something like this.

“Okay, but I will not promise to come back. This was not a nice experience so far.”

“I fully understand. It remains your choice, not mine. But I would be pleased to talk to you again one day.”

“I understand. I thank you for playing this game with me and I bid you my farewell, Lucifer,” Sam said with a little shake in his voice and bowed down the best he could, given his position. He watched Lucifer do the same and slowly his reflection changed, turning back into being nothing but his own. When he knew that the Devil was gone for good, Sam fell onto his back and finally let exhaustion overwhelm him completely. For this night, he was out.


	7. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Sam wakes up, he's glad to be on time for school. More trouble is not what he wants and even if he barely hears a word during classes, he is able to pull through it. For some off reason though, he really wants to repeat the ritual from the night before. He really can't say why, especially not after the news he had gotten, but the wish is there, teasing and daring him.

Sam didn’t wake up until the early morning hours, the room had no windows and the candles had burned down already by the time he opened his eyes in the darkness. At first, he simply laid there, unmoving and trying to figure out if he was still asleep or in hell, but eventually he moved and pushed himself off the cold ground. It took a while for him to find the light switch in the unfamiliar room and when he finally did and turned the lights back on, a cold shiver ran through his body. He remembered what had happened the night before - the things the devil had told him - and the pain in his chest came back, almost as bad as before.

It took him a few minutes to collect himself enough to gather the stumps of the candles and wipe the salt away, as well as unwinding the yarn from the mirror and cover it with the cloth again. At last, he turned the crucifix back how it should be and closed his backpack. All of this was kind of automatic, he didn’t really think about what he was doing. He just knew it had to be done and thus, he did it. When he unlocked the door and peeked out, finding the empty chapel, he sighed in relief. He quickly put the key back where he got it after locking the door again and made his way out of the church through the verger’s quarters.

The day had just begun, the twilight not even completely gone, so he knew he was not in too much trouble at least. Not that it mattered, really. After remembering the night before, Sam had no desire to do anything other than lay down and cry for years. The ache was not as intense and numbing as it was the night before, but it still remained painful and horrible. He had been so mad at his dad for treating him the way he did all the time, even started the same with Dean, but in the end they had been right.  Or not? They had a reason to hate him and the more he thought about it, the more unlikely it was that he had never accepted the truth sooner. Of course it was nothing he did on purpose and despite what the Devil had said to console him, it  _ was  _ his fault, there was no way around it.

Sam arrived at home around seven, coming into an empty apartment. The Impala was still gone and the door to Dean’s room was open, with no sign of his brother whatsoever. Unwillingly, Sam was a little relieved. He really didn’t want to face any of them at the moment, no matter how short or why. Without losing any time, Sam hopped under the shower, leaving the hair washing out this time and just focusing on cleaning his face mainly, then got dressed in clean clothes and redid his makeup. His old clothes were dirty from the dust in the storage room and he wasn’t going to step outside with them again like this. When he was done with his makeup, however, he found something weird on the back of his left hand.

Curiously, Sam inspected his hand closer and noticed there was a huge bruise, covering almost his whole hand. He must have fallen on it the night before, when he touched the bruise it stung a little, but not enough to cause disturbing pain. He shrugged it off, put away his stuff and gathered his school supplies to head off again. Not that he actually wanted to go to school, but he wasn’t really looking for trouble with his dad when he found out he ditched it either.

There wasn’t much Sam remembered from his classes this day - his thoughts were occupied with the events of the night before and with the consequences they had on his life. He spent the breaks under the weeping willow trees once more, barely registering when the bell rang to go back inside. He would have loved to sit there forever, hidden between the hanging branches of the trees, almost as if he was in a different world where his problems and pain didn’t exist - but those things were for fairy tales, not real life.

When he finally made it through the last period and headed home, he remembered his promise to the devil. Well, not exactly a promise and he didn’t know if he would actually keep it or not, but he wanted to be prepared just in case. So, instead of going home directly, he changed directions and payed the occult store another visit.

Today, the store was open and when Sam entered, he was greeted with a familiar face. The woman who had served him the last time smiled happily at him, almost excited.

“You are back, how nice! Were you able to use your gifts?” she asked, with curious interest.

“This is why I am here, I wanted to buy a few new candles.”

“So, you did it? You used them?”

“I… yeah, I did,” Sam wanted to lie, but why should he? This woman wouldn’t go to the police or anything to tell anyone, so he screwed his cautiousness. “And I need more for another try.”

“Did it work?” the woman asked, now visibly excited. “Did he appear?”

“You read the book, too, then? What do you think?”

She sighed and bowed her head so her face was covered, then slowly shook her head.

“I read it, yes. And I tried it. But nothing happened.”

“Huh,” Sam huffed and internally smirked to himself, without even wanting it. He didn’t know why Lucifer had shown himself to him and not her, but he wasn’t too interested in finding out why.

Instead of asking her further, Sam turned around to the candle shelf and took his time to select candles he could use. He settled on seven red and seven white ones, thicker than the last ones he used so he could relight them multiple times. He also took a black candle in form of a little dragon and brought them all to the counter.

“What was he like?” the woman asked as soon as he stood before her, eyes wide and eager with anticipation.

“I don’t think I want to talk about this, I’m sorry,” Sam shook his head slowly and put his hands on the counter. “It was a weird experience and I’m not sure if it was a good thing to do.”

“Why not? You are alive! You’ve talked to him and are still alive! What could not be good about this?”

“I’m alive, yeah,” Sam laughed sarcastically. “But it’s not a good life, trust me. I’d like to pay now.”

She understood, thankfully. Without asking any more questions, the woman scanned Sam’s candles. He payed, thanked her for the conversation and then left the store.

At home, still a completely empty place for some reason, Sam retreated to his room and laid down on his bed. He felt weak, much worse than in the morning after waking up from sleeping on the hard church ground. He needed some distraction, anything really, and turned on the radio next to his bed before laying back down with his eyes closed. For a while, an instrumental song he didn’t recognize played and helped him relax a little, but his thoughts still wouldn’t slow down. 

He kind of wanted to believe what Lucifer - he liked the name more than “Devil” to be honest - said was true. That it wasn’t his fault what had happened and that it would have happened with or without him anyway. But, why would he, the literal devil, try to comfort him when he was breaking down? Shouldn’t he be the one enjoying to see him suffer? Wasn’t this what the Devil strived for in his very existence?

And the invitation, the request to come back to talk to him. It was creepy, but at the same time very appealing. Sam thought he was going crazy, but even after the horrible experience he had the last night, he was not completely against the idea of repeating it. The worst things had been said already, hadn’t they? So how much worse could another visit go?

“Well, I could be arrested for performing satanic rituals in a church, of course…” Sam mumbled and then, much to his surprise, actually laughed.

It was a crazy and surreal thought, but it was possible, right? If anyone watched him while sneaking into the church in the middle of the night, they would definitely call the police and that could turn into a very awkward situation. Not to talk about the beating he would get from his dad if something like this would happen.

Sam sighed and listened to the silence the radio provided for a while before another song came on, one that was not really helping with his confusion: Every Breath You Take. Sure, he liked the song in general, but right now it had a very creepy tone to it.

“I wish I could talk to him now,” Sam sighed and pushed himself into a sitting position. He was kind of confused by his own wish to talk to Lucifer, but apart from dropping a pretty big bomb, he had been not too bad in his eyes. Yes, he was the Devil and the game was a dangerous one, but he even warned him about the time limit, so he wouldn’t end up with his soul being trapped.

Sam wanted to know what this was about, he wanted to know why the Devil wanted him to be safe and even come back. Was it part of his trap to lure Sam into something or was it genuine interest or something completely different? Was it his way of corrupting Sam’s soul and make him agree to do tasks in his name to ruin other human’s lives? He really didn’t know, but Sam was much less conflicted about doing the ritual again.

After contemplating about what to do for half an hour more, Sam decided he would think about it later and first focus on his homework. Not his personal top priority, but not everyone in his family would see it the same way. So, he spent the next two hours sitting over math problems and an essay he had to write about morales - a perfectly fitting topic, given his inner turmoil at the moment.

He heard the door of the apartment open and close, but didn’t bother checking who it was. He would find out soon enough anyways, staying quiet to avoid trouble had become a thing he had mastered through the last years and that’s exactly what he did. When the door next to his own wasn’t shut and he heard nothing more than shuffling in the living room and some mumbling, he knew it wasn’t Dean who had arrived. He just hoped there wouldn’t be more arguing soon.


	8. Alcohol Induced Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is confused when his dad suddenly asks him to come over in the evening, but expects the usual argument again. What John has to say, however, is nothing Sam expected and to be honest, it hurts a lot to hear the words come from his mouth...

At around six, pretty fast for his terms regarding homework, Sam was done and packed his stuff together. Whether he liked it or not, he had to get something to eat soon, even with his dad and possible trouble involved. As quietly as he could, to not cause any attention, Sam made his way to the kitchen and took a look at what was left. He couldn’t find more than a few bottles of beer and half a pizza that Dean had brought with him the night before apparently. Just as he was about to grab it, his dad called out for him from the living room, leaving the boy stiff in horror for a moment.

“W-what’s up, dad?” he asked with a trembling voice, cursing himself for his fear of the old man. “Do you want some pizza?”

“Leave the damn pizza, your brother probably spit on it. Come here.”

Sam swallowed as he followed the disguised order, knowing full well that disobedience would end in bruises - if he was lucky.

“Yes, dad?” he said quietly upon entering the living room.

His dad sat on his favorite chair, but he looked different than usually. He seemed… smaller for some reason, not the way Sam was used to.

“Sit down.”

Sam immediately realized that his dad was drunk beyond anything he had ever experienced before. He stank of whiskey and had a beer in his hand, already half empty. Wherever he had spent the night, he definitely didn’t waste his time sleeping.

“What is it?” Sam tried to be polite and nice as to not anger his dad in this state.

“You weren’t home last night, were you?”

It was not a question, despite the wording. His dad knew he had stayed away when he wasn’t supposed to.

“No, I… I slept at a friend’s…” Sam lied and looked away, visibly ashamed. “Dean freaked out after you left and yelled at me and I was scared he would hit me…”

“Oh, it’s good you stayed away from him,” his dad nodded and took a big sip out of his beer bottle. “Good to stay away…”

“I didn’t want to worry you, dad, really,” Sam quickly said, hoping to calm the waves with the older one. “I asked my friend from school if I could stay a night and he said okay. I won’t do it again, promised!”

“I thought you ran away, Sam,” his dad said after a few minutes, a sad smile on his face. “Wouldn’t blame you if you did, really.”

“Why should I run away, dad?” Sam asked, serious this time. He had never talked with his dad like this before, but still never actually thought about running away. Yes, he had thought about dying before, but running away? Never. He wouldn’t know where to go anyways.

“She loved you so much, did I ever tell you that?”

Sam was confused for a moment before it clicked and he knew what his dad was talking about. He must have drank more than Sam realized before, John never talked about their mother, ever. He had only ever once talked about her, on their wedding day anniversary ten years ago. Sam remembered it vividly, as it was also the only memory he had of his dad ever crying.

“She wanted to take you with her everywhere. To go shopping, even to get her nails done. She was obsessed with you and day in and day out, you were her only topic.”

Those words hurt Sam almost as much as what Lucifer had told him, but hearing it from his dad had a more personal touch, one that made him want to scream at him to stop - but he didn’t. He just sat there, listening to his dad and trying to hold even more tears back.

“When I got the call, I couldn’t move for a full minute,” his dad continued and emptied his bottle completely.

He waved at Sam, who understood the signal and got up to get him another beer, when he heard the words ‘get two’ behind him. Dutifully, Sam brought two beers and handed them to his dad, who shook his head in response.

“This one is yours. It’s okay, take it.”

“T-thank you…” Sam muttered and opened the beer the way he had opened so many already in his life for Dean and his dad alike - on the table in front of them.

“I thought you were dead too when I got the call, you know? The way the officer sounded it seemed impossible that anyone could have survived this. And then, when I saw you in the small crib in the hospital, crying without a sound and with your arm in a small cast… I hated you.”

Sam choked on the sip of beer he had just taken, staring at his dad with wide eyes.

“I asked God why he took my wife and not you, I’m not proud of that, Sam. She was my life and knowing I would never see her again turned me into a monster.”

“You’re not a monster, dad…” Sam said quietly and shook his head. “You missed her, that’s all.”

“No, Sam, I am. I took my love away from you so I wouldn’t be reminded of my loss whenever I saw you, but I still was. Seeing you grow up, seeing you look like your mother more and more each day, with the same behavior and the same green eyes… I hate it.”

Sam never knew about any of this and really never thought about this being something possible. He didn’t want to feel sorry for his dad, but he still did in a way. What he said didn’t take back what he had done to him, but it gave Sam some understanding.

“Dad…” he said, only to be cut off right away.

“I hated how intelligent you were, how even your voice sounded like hers sometimes when you were upset. Sometimes I wanted to turn back time and put you in her place in the car, just so I could have her back.”

Sam couldn’t answer to this - he knew that his dad blamed him for the accident, but this was a new level of heartbreak he didn’t expect.

“I told Dean to take care of you whenever I could, but he got tired of it, you know that. I even tried just leaving you two a few times, but never had the balls to do it.”

“Dad, can I say something?” Sam asked carefully, earning a nod in return. “I don’t hate you, in case you think that. I miss mom too and I know Dean does too, even if he never admits it. I mean, I don’t remember her, but I love her.”

“I know you do, I can see that.”

“What I mean is, I know you made mistakes, but I’m not really an easy kid… “ Sam felt strange saying these things, when normally he was scared shitless of his dad. Still, he didn’t hate him, even if he thought it was the other way around. He didn’t know if he could hate his dad, or Dean for that matter, even if he tried. “I know you miss mom a lot, dad. I have seen pictures of you and how happy you were, I’m not mad that you hate me for being the reason she’s gone.”

“No, Sam,” John shook his head, emptying his bottle halfway. “I know I said these things, but there is nothing to change what happened. I even offered to look after you that day so she could go to her appointment in peace, but she refused. She said ‘Don’t be silly, John! Sam is such a sweet angel, he loves driving with me.’”

Sam swallowed hard before taking a big gulp out of his own beer bottle to not be forced to say something. He had no words anyways.

“Those were her last words to me, ‘Sam is such a sweet angel’. And then she was gone and I knew her last thought wasn’t about me, but about you. I was jealous of my son for being the light of my wife’s life, there is nothing to excuse that.”

“But, dad… I’m sure she thought about you before she died, too.”

“It doesn’t matter,” his dad said and shook his head. “I directed my anger at you and refused to give you the love you deserved, that’s the truth and I have to live with it for the rest of my life. And now look at you, growing up to be a man and distancing yourself from everything that I am or that your brother is, as if you are a stranger to this family. I don’t understand you, I never did… “

“I’m not a stranger, dad. I’m just… me. Being the way I am gives me a costume to wear outside, so no one can see the real me.” Sam wasn’t sure if this was the truth or not, but it was better than simply agreeing to his dad and provoke him.

“I get why you dress like this, I’m not dumb, Sam. You want to be different, rebel, and I get it. When you got this piercing I was so close to beat your ass to China, because you managed to act like you were old enough, not because you’re a child. I know that, trust me. I’m still mad you went out and had this done without my permission, but I realized it’s your life, not mine. I won’t be here forever and you’ll be out of the house soon, I can’t control you anymore.”

“Dad, I…” Sam’s voice died in his throat, not allowing him to finish his sentence.

“No, listen to me, this is important. I know I’m drunk as hell and won’t remember anything tomorrow, but I want you to know this, so listen. Are you listening, son?”

“I am, yes.”

“This is something your mother would have wanted to tell you herself, but since she can’t anymore, I am going to do it. You are special, Sam. This is why I never understood you the way I understood Dean - he is more like me than you’ll ever be. You are insanely strong and smart, when you were four the district we lived in even wanted to put you in school already because you were bored out of your mind in preschool. Your mom knew that, ever since you were born, I didn’t. She said one day you’ll think you are alone and can’t do anything right and she said if this ever happens I was supposed to tell you one thing. Still with me, Sam?”

“Yes… yes I am…” Sam was more confused than ever, but forced himself to concentrate.

“She said, her words, not mine ‘Sammy is more than what we see. A part of him is not here yet, but it’s somewhere, waiting for him to find it. If he is ever about to give up hope, tell him that. And tell him that no matter how wrong and insane it might feel at first when he finds it, it will be the right thing.’”

Sam stared at his dad with wide eyes, completely dumbfounded. Nothing and everything about this made sense at the same time. The most confusing thing, however, was that it came from his dad, who had chosen this exact moment to tell him about it.

“I have no idea what she meant by that, but she had those moments where she would say weird things that turned out to be true. Not like a prophecy or a vision of the future, but it happened sometimes. I guess you’ll know what she meant one day, I just wanted to get it out while having the chance.”

“T-thanks, dad,” Sam said quietly, still trying to process what he had just heard. “I’m glad you told me…”

“I don’t hate you, Sam, even if it seems like I do most of the time,” his dad sighed and, for the first time during their conversation, turned to look at his son. “I don’t understand you, but I don’t hate you. We all lost someone we loved and out of the three of us, you are the one who is coping with it the best.”

“I… I’m not…” Sam sniffed, cursing himself for his stupid emotions.

“You are, even if you don’t know yet,” John sighed and leaned back into his chair, closing his eyes. “Just remember what I told you. Find what you miss…”

Sam was about to say something, but he realized that his dad was drifting away into unconsciousness quickly. Instead of asking more questions, he simply stood up and leaned his head against his dad’s forehead for a moment.

“Thank you, dad,” he said and then left his old man to the rest he needed.


	9. Coming Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His dad's words are hard to process for Sam, but he barely has time to do so before more trouble awaits him, this time with his brother. He flees from their apartment, returning to Lucifer once more. He finds out a little more, but it only sparks his curiosity further.

His dad’s words haunted Sam until he laid down to sleep, but they didn’t begin to make more sense sadly. Of course he had always known something wasn’t right with him, but having it served like this was hard to swallow. What did his mom mean when she said a part of him was missing and it would feel wrong and insane when he first found it? And how could she have known, given he was still a baby when she said it?

It made as little sense as his dad suddenly talking in this tone of voice with him. On the other hand, for this day at least all thoughts about games with the devil were banned from his mind and while he went to sleep feeling very conflicted, this night he had no nightmares. In a way, he was thankful for that.

The rest of the week went almost the same as the first day. Sam went up, ate, went to school and payed little attention, then went home, sat over his homework and later laid on his bed, listening to music and trying to make sense on his life. At around eight he went to bed, just to repeat the same routine the next day.

Dean didn’t come home until Friday and his dad was working much longer than usual, but Sam didn’t mind. When Dean finally did come home, he was wrecked and Sam swore he smelled of pot - a lot of it. Sam didn’t bother trying to talk to him. He wasn’t really up for being treated like shit again and if Dean had anything to say - an apology or not - he would come to him. Of course, Dean didn’t. Not that Sam was surprised, really.

After almost one week of being by himself and thinking, Sam had decided that he would go back to the church to talk to the devil again - tonight. He knew it was risky, as he was pretty vulnerable at the moment, but with every day that passed his urge to go back grew and he wanted to know what this was about.

While Dean was doing whatever he did in his room, Sam gathered everything together for the night. He was ready to head out around nine in the evening, but knew he had to wait for a while longer before he left, so he put it aside for now and decided to kill some time watching TV. Just when he sat down and zapped through the channels, Dean finally came downstairs and plopped into the chair next to Sam.

“Still alive, huh?” Sam huffed and continued zapping, without looking at his brother.

“Same, you little shit,” Dean retorted and rolled his eyes. “Still didn’t turn into a girl, I see?”

“Oh, shut it, Dean. Your jokes are getting boring.”

“Yeah, are they? How about that?” Dean grinned and pulled something out from behind his back that made Sam dart up immediately.

“That’s mine, give it back to me right now!” he shouted and grabbed for the book in his brother’s hand, who held it up higher, his grin widening.

“Oh, is it, yes? A book about summoning the devil, really? I thought you were still sane, guess I was wrong.”

“It’s just a book, idiot!” Sam defended himself, angry at the audacity his brother had. “I got it from a friend who thought it was funny!”

“A friend? You have no friends, remember?” Dean laughed, not without keeping the book just out of his brother’s reach. “Or did you befriend Satan now? Is that the kind of stuff you’re into?”

“No, I didn’t! And even if, it’s none of your business and now give it back!” Sam launched himself at his brother at the last word, effectively knocking him over and finally managed to grab the book. He immediately ran to his room, grabbed his backpack and jacket and stormed back. “You’re an asshole Dean and I hate you!” he shouted at his brother, who just managed to get back up from the floor, and smashed the door close behind him the next second.

Sam ran as fast as he could, careful to use the time he had and changed directions multiple times, just in case Dean was after him. He never spotted anyone, but he wanted to be sure that his big brother wasn’t going to disturb him. Shortly before eleven, Sam reached the abandoned church - already out of his breath, but finally there. Again, he sneaked into the church the same way as before, locked himself in the storage room and only then, allowed himself to catch his breath.

For a few minutes, Sam simply listened if anyone else was inside the church, but when no noise appeared, he began setting up everything for the ritual again. This time he was a little faster than before, but not less nervous. He still didn’t know if the request to come back had been a trap or not, but he was about to find out. When he closed his eyes this time, Sam’s anticipation was almost visible.

Once he had counted to ten, Sam opened his eyes and a huge stone dropped from his heart when his eyes met the icy blue ones he had seen the last time.

“You came back, I am very surprised,” Lucifer said, but Sam noticed the slight smile on the devil’s face - he was surprised, yes, but not displeased.

“It was an offer I could not refuse,” Sam smiled and, in order to be a little more comfortable, sat down on the floor with his legs crossed. “And there are still some questions I have.”

“So, you want to play a game again?”

“Well, if I have to.”

“It’s the usual procedure if someone calls for me this way, we play a game. Or, are you afraid of more questions?”

“I’m not afraid of more questions,” Sam carefully shook his head a little. “I am afraid of the answers, at least of some…”

“We will play again then, I begin.”

“If you insist,” Sam said, not bothering to hide the slight smile on his face.

“Why did you decide to come back? You know what can happen, the last time you were on the lucky side, what makes you think it will be the same tonight?”

“You asked me to come back, didn’t you?” Sam watched Lucifer tilt his head slightly, smirking.

“I did indeed,” he said.

“That’s why I came back. I don’t know why, really, other than that. Maybe because I wanna know why you asked in the first place.”

“Maybe I wanted you to feel safe so you would come back and be careless?”

“Well, did you?” Sam raised a brow slowly.

“Maybe,” Lucifer shrugged. “It’s not common that someone comes back if they end the game properly, I was curious if you would.”

“I didn’t have much of a choice, really,” Sam sighed and his eyes turned a little darker. “A lot happened and tonight… I basically had to run from my brother.”

“You did well,” Lucifer smiled at him. “Your brother is at a bar, drinking away the last few brain cells he has left.”

At this image in his head, Sam chuckled silently.

“Sounds like Dean,” he huffed after a while. “I’m not sure if I want to know why you can tell me where he is, but it’s good to know. I was scared he would follow me here and, well…”

“I know everything, Sam,” Lucifer said calmly, but Sam noticed that there was a slight change in his eyes, as if he wasn’t telling the truth. He didn’t know why he felt this way, but it was there and for some reason he knew that was what the change meant.

“If you know everything, can you tell me what my dad meant when he talked to me the other day? Or better, what my mother meant?”

“I could tell you, but you would be better off if you found this one thing by yourself.”

Sam was a little disappointed by this answer, he had hoped that Lucifer could give him some clarity about his mother’s confusing prophecy.

“Why?” he asked, not bothering to hide a pout. “She said I was missing something, but I don’t know what she meant by that. It makes no sense.”

“Because you are not missing something you can see,” Lucifer smirked at him. “It’s not even something that I can see and there is much more about you that I see than you can imagine.”

“Like what?” Now Sam’s curiosity was sparked again and he shifted a little to sit more comfortably. “What can you see?”

Lucifer’s smile got a little creepy before he answered.

“I can see your past, Sam. I can see you in any moment of your life, all at the same time, and I can hear every word you ever said. I see your dreams, your fears and wishes - even the things you are lying to yourself about, the dark thoughts that come when the night is without any light and when your heart is filled with ice.”

Sam’s heart raced, pounding in his ears and taking every noise away.

“Can you… see my future, too?” he eventually asked, his mouth completely dry. “Can you see tomorrow? Next week? Next year?”

“This, for some reason, I cannot see, I’m afraid,” Lucifer said and slowly shook his head. “It’s there, but there is nothing I can make out. Not until you find what you’re missing, at least.”

“But what is it?” Sam asked, slightly annoyed now. “Is it my soul? Is that why you asked me back, because I have no soul and you can’t take it from me?”

“First, you had your questions, it’s my turn now,” Lucifer’s voice became a little cold now, but Sam wasn’t surprised. “And second, you have a soul, I can see it.”

“You can see it?” Sam wanted to ask more, but Lucifer held up a finger and put it to his lips, silencing him immediately.

“My turn, Sam. Play by the rules,” he said quietly. “Now, are you willing to accept a dare?”

“A… dare?” Sam frowned, remembering what he had read about dares and how they could have horrible, if not deadly, consequences.

“Don’t worry, no permanent damage will be done, I promise.”

“Why should I believe you? Why would you give me a dare that won’t fuck my life up?”

“Maybe I’m actually a nice guy, who knows?” Lucifer said and shrugged. “Maybe I want to help you out, not hurt you.”

“Yeah, right,” Sam huffed. That wasn’t really believable now, was it? “What’s your dare?”

“My dare, should you accept it, is simple. When you come home, I want you to take the small box under your bed, the one no one knows about but you,” a little wink followed this word, “and take it outside. Burn it.”

Sam laughed at this, not quite getting how burning a small box would be useful to the devil.

“That’s all?” he asked.

“Almost. I want you to burn the box and what is inside. Yes, I am talking about the letter you are not supposed to read until you turn eighteen. You must not read the letter before burning it, however. Leave it sealed and burn it along with the box.”

Sam’s laughter died immediately.

“But… my mom wrote this letter for me. I… I can’t burn it!”

“It’s your choice - if you want your next question to be answered truthfully, accept the dare. If not, refuse and I get a pass. But you know the rules, don’t you?”

Of course he knew the rules, but this dare was cruel. The letter was supposed to be a thing to give him strength, Dean had gotten one too that he had opened on his eighteenth birthday. If he burned his own letter, he would burn the one thing he owned from his mother.

“So? Do you accept, or refuse? Time is ticking…”

“Okay, yes!” Sam burst out, almost panicking. “I’ll burn it. The box and the letter.”

“You know that, if you don’t, you will suffer the consequences. I have your word.”

“I’ll do it, promised,” Sam bit his lip.

“Very well, then you may ask your question. But hurry, you don’t have much time left.”

Why did Lucifer warn him about the time again? What was this about? Sam quickly shook his head, pushing the question away and instead focused on the one he wanted to ask.

“Is there a way to do this ritual without coming here, into a church? Can I speak to you in a way that is… less complicated?”

Lucifer was visibly confused by this question, his eyes narrowing and a line appearing between them. Sam instantly regretted the question, but it had been on his mind the whole week - yes, he wanted to speak to Lucifer for some reason, but this ritual would not work forever and once they moved there might not be another church he was able to use and it wouldn’t be possible anymore.

“I will answer your question, but first I want to know something myself. Why are you asking this? Why would you desire to speak to me in the first place? You know the dangers, you know this is not some game little children play when they get bored.”

“I know, but… I feel kind of… safe? I mean, I know who you are and you have told me horrible things, but I still feel comfortable speaking to you. It doesn’t make sense, I know that, I just… like it.”

Lucifer blinked a few times at the honesty in Sam’s voice, then nodded slightly.

“You can talk to me, without this ritual. There is a way, but it requires a sacrifice every time you do it.”

“A sacrifice?” Sam felt his stomach tighten.

“Not what you think, Sam,” Lucifer smiled, knowing exactly what ran through Sam’s mind. “I won’t tell you to kill animals or people to talk to me, but you need to sacrifice something of your own, something that will bind you to me. It’s like a contract, which is why no one rarely ever uses this way of talking to me. The ones that do, however, usually don’t last long. Dumb teenagers who are looking for a kick, no big loss.”

“I am a teenager,” Sam huffed a little offended. “What do you mean by contract? Do I sell you my soul when I do this?”

“No, it’s not like that. Listen, because the time runs out and I don’t think you want to end up inside here. You’ll need a mirror, a smaller one works as well, but the most functional one is a mirror in which you can see yourself completely.”

“I have one of those, on my door!” Sam said quickly, to which Lucifer nodded.

“Very good. Turn off the lights, light a candle in front of it - a black one, not one of those,” he pointed at the red candles in front of Sam. “and then comes the sacrifice. It’s small, but, as I said, binding.”

“What do I have to do?”

“One drop of your blood, that you drop into the flame, that’s all. The flame will flicker and become bigger, then you know it worked. Close your eyes, call me without using your voice, and open them again. If your will to speak to me is strong enough, I will hear you.”

“That’s all?” Sam asked suspicious.

“That’s all,” Lucifer agreed. “But you will be bound to me, don’t forget that. It will not affect your life, you will not start murdering people or become possessed, but you are sealing a contract with your blood that makes you mine.”

“Makes me yours…” Sam mumbled, not quite sure what those words meant. “Define yours. What will happen?”

“If you dare to call me this way, you will find out. End the ritual now, Sam. You have two minutes left.”

“Damn…” Sam hissed and got back on his feet quickly. “Thank you for playing this game with me, I bid you my farewell, Lucifer,” he said and bowed down slightly.

“It was my pleasure, Sam,” Lucifer said, returning the favor. “Remember your promise.”

With these words, the reflection turned back into Sam’s own and Lucifer was gone.


	10. Buried Childhood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam comes home and, even if it hurts, fulfills the dare he had accepted. It all feels weird, but he remembers what his dad told him and swallows his doubts down. The next day, Sam witnesses more arguing between his brother and his dad and things turn serious.

As soon as Sam came back home, he took the little box out from under his bed and opened it. Inside laid the letter his mother had written for him when he had only been a few days old. His whole life he had treasured this piece of paper and anticipated the day he would finally be able to read it - and now he was about to burn the words she had directed at him, the only words he would ever have that were hers. He didn’t even know why, but he had accepted the dare…

“Don’t be mad at me mom,” Sam said and placed a kiss on the letter in his hands. “You said if I ever found what I am missing it would feel wrong and insane and that’s how this feels right now, so please forgive me. I hope I’m doing the right thing.”

He put the letter back into the box, closed it and carried it outside. In the tiny garden behind the house they lived in, Sam dug a small hole, in which he placed the box. He opened it again, took the letter out one last time and got his lighter.

“Please, let this not be a mistake,” he said and lit the letter.

Within seconds the letter was completely on fire and Sam dropped it back into the box to not burn himself. At first, only the letter burned, until suddenly the flames took over the whole box, creating a huge darting flame. It was so bright, Sam had to shield his eyes from the intensity of the light and when he dared to look again, all that was left of the box and letter was a small, gleaming pile of ashes. With a heavy heart, Sam covered the hole with the dirt next to it.

It was done, he had fulfilled the dare Lucifer gave him. Maybe one day Lucifer would tell him why he had chosen this dare, but he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer to this. Right now, without any explanation, it felt like a kick in the guts.

Sam stood in the night for a few minutes, silently mourning the loss of something this precious. Eventually though, when he realized standing there wouldn’t change anything, he went back inside and crawled into his bed. He really wanted to try the summoning Lucifer told him about right this second, demanding an explanation, but he was too exhausted to even give it a try.

After a strangely dreamless night, Sam woke up rather refreshed. With a clear mind, he was really glad he didn’t summon Lucifer the night before. He had been way too emotional back then and he would have probably screwed it up anyways.

Sam wasn’t surprised that Dean and his dad were still asleep - they rarely got up before noon on the weekends - so he had his peace while preparing breakfast. The last week he didn’t have a proper breakfast, so it was very nice just sitting down with toasts, some scrambled eggs and a coffee, without being disturbed. Sam took his time reading the newspaper, enjoying his meal and actually hoped for a peaceful weekend for once.

Before anyone else was able to get up, Sam retreated back to his room to not get into another argument, which immediately broke out when both Dean and John were up. Sam rolled his eyes when he heard them bicker in the kitchen again. Since they stayed rather civil so far, Sam continued cleaning up his room and shifting stuff around. He wasn’t the most tidy person, but at the moment his room resembled a garbage can and he really wanted it clean for… well, for reasons. No, so far he didn’t allow himself to acknowledge why he wanted it clean, even if it was pretty obvious.

When everything was done and the two blockheads still argued, Sam groaned frustrated. One damn quiet weekend, did he ask for too much? Couldn’t they get a beer each and shut up for a few minutes, just for a change? Sam really tried to ignore them, he knew shit would hit the fan if he didn’t, but at one point he just lost his patience.

“Can you two shitheads just shut the fuck up for one day?” he yelled as loud and angry as he could, instantly shocked by his own reaction. “Shit…” he whispered.

It was dead silent outside, way too silent for this to turn out well. Sam quickly jumped off his bed and locked his door in case it was about to get real. He stayed at the door, waiting for something to happen, but for a while the same creepy silence stayed.

“This little…” he suddenly heard his brother hiss, followed by heavy steps into his direction, which caused him to quickly push away from the door.

“Dean, get a hold on yourself!” John said, but made no effort to hold his older son back.

“Come out of your room, you little coward!” Dean yelled through the door and began banging on it with his fist.

“Fuck off!” Sam spat back, as angry as before. He knew Dean wouldn’t manage to break down the door, even if he was shaking - both from anger and being scared shitless - he would not shut up this time.

“You think you can talk like that to me, you little shit?”

“Hell yes, I do! You’re an asshole, why don’t you piss off and find someone else to terrorize?”

“Oh, really? What are you going to do? Summon your imaginary friend to kick my ass?”

Sam huffed, now both angry and spiteful. How dare he… how dare he fucking say things like that?

“Yeah, maybe I’m gonna do that!” he eventually yelled back, hands balled to fists and ready to fight. “Someone finally needs to hand you your shitty ass on a plate!”

At this, Dean began kicking at the door, which finally caught their dad’s interest again and he interfered.

“Enough, you two!” he commanded with his army-voice. “Dean, get the hell outta here before I forget myself! And Sam, open the damn door, now!”

“No way! I won’t open the door until this asshole is gone!” Sam wouldn’t allow Dean to get in, no matter how much his dad thought he had him under control - he hadn’t.

John argued with Dean again, but this time their conversation was short and it only lasted a few minutes before Dean stormed off angrily and smashed the door out again.

“Now, open the door, kid, or I’ll make you!” John commanded again and Sam finally obeyed. His dad stepped into his room, arms crossed and an angry look on his face. “What did your brother talk about imaginary friends?”

“Oh come on!” Sam groaned. “He’s insane, don’t you see that? He’s annoying me all the time, it’s not funny anymore!”

“What was he talking about, Sam? I want an answer.”

“He found a book I had to read for school and mocks me for it, that’s all!” Sam lied blatantly. “He said I’m trying to make friends with the devil, I told you he’s going nuts!”

“And, are you?” John asked serious and Sam looked at him in complete disbelief.

“Are you kidding me, dad? What do you think I am, some kind of satanist?”

“Well, you certainly look like one,” John scoffed and eyed his son suspiciously. “I better not find any dead animals or shit in your room, or you’ll get the beating of your lifetime.”

“I’m not running around, killing animals and summoning the devil, geez!” Sam threw his hands in the air overly dramatic, sat down on his bed and crossed his arms. “I just want to be left alone, that’s all.”

“I’ll have an eye on you, Sam.”

“Yeah, whatever…”

His dad stayed for a moment longer, inspecting his son and the room, then left and shut the door behind him. Sam fell onto his back in a huge relief. Thank God he had cleaned up before! If not, his dad would have seen the book on his bed and the candle stumps in front of it, that would have ended in a catastrophe. Not that this topic was over now, but at least he wasn’t bleeding in a corner, begging for his life to end just now.

Summoning Lucifer now, with his dad being as suspicious as this, was not a good idea. Still, Sam needed to talk to someone and there was no one else he had. If Lucifer got angry, he could just ask him to end it, right? Maybe he would do it quickly, without torturing him too much. It wasn’t that he wanted to die, not really, but he would rather die on his own terms if he had to.

Sam knew he had to be very careful, but he wanted to speak to Lucifer as soon as possible. His perfect opportunity came three hours later, when his dad got a call. He came to Sam’s room, informed him that he had to work in the town a few miles away for a few days and would leave some money home, so the boys could get food. Sam nodded and tried to look as sad as he could, even asking what he should do if Dean decided to let his anger out on him. At this, John smiled and told him not to worry, his brother wouldn’t do anything. Sam really didn’t believe him, but still nodded dutifully and watched his dad leave.


	11. A Pretty Dumb Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam decides to summon Lucifer the way he told him, if only to talk to someone. The conversation quickly turns personal though and for some reason Lucifer's behavior really gets under Sam's skin this time.

It was barely getting dark outside, but Sam decided to give it a go now. He carefully locked the door to his room again, took off his jackets to reveal the big mirror underneath it and got the black dragon candle from his nightstand. He also got a razor blade from the bathroom, since it was faster than using a needle and squeeze his finger, and then sat down on the floor, in front of the mirror. Sam lightened the candle, took a deep breath that he held and cut one of his fingertips with the razor blade carefully. The candle’s flame flickered a little at his motions, so he waited for it to calm again before letting a single drop of blood fall into it. As Lucifer had predicted, the flame shot up for a second, so Sam closed his eyes and concentrated as hard as he could.

Lucifer, please show yourself. I need to speak to you…

Sam opened his eyes and faced a familiar face that looked both surprised and… proud? Yes, he kind of looked proud, why, Sam couldn’t tell.

“You really did it, I am impressed,” Lucifer said. “You don’t have to follow the rules of the game if you call me like this, by the way.”

“So, it’s more like a chat and not a game?” Sam asked, suppressing a smile.

“Precisely,” Lucifer smirked. “Now, what is the reason you called me so soon?”

Sam took a deep breath and while thinking, sucked on his finger to stop the bleeding.

“I need advice…” he finally mumbled, finger still in his mouth.

“Excuse me?”

“I said: I need advice.” Sam sighed and took the finger out. “Or better… I need a friend.”

“You want me to get you a friend, really?” Lucifer asked with a mocking tone in his voice and raised a brow, but Sam shook his head.

“I don’t want you to get me a friend, I just need one. I thought, maybe you would -”

“Stop this thought,” Lucifer suddenly said very strict, causing Sam to flinch slightly. “Did you forget who I am? Are you suggesting what I think you are suggesting?”

“I… No, no of course not,” Sam swallowed hard and felt really dumb for even bringing this up. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think.” He fell silent and looked down at the flame of the candle, asking himself why he thought this would be a good idea. It wasn’t the first time he had embarrassed himself, but it had never been as bad as now.

Eventually, after a few minutes of silence between them, Lucifer sighed audibly.

“Look, I get it, okay?” he said, his voice a little more soft now. “You don’t have friends and you said you feel comfortable talking to me, but I’m not what you think I am. I’m usually not this nice, to anyone. The people who play this game with me never really get what you’ve been getting.”

“What… do they get?” Sam asked carefully, earning a creepy smile.

“More than they bargained for,” he said. “They all think they are smart, that they can easily trick me - but they forget that I am not someone to be fooled with.”

“Do you… kill them? Or possess them?” Sam’s voice was shaking slightly, but he wasn’t really afraid, at least not for himself.

“Sometimes, but it depends. You see, a lot of people forget the time, it’s a natural thing to happen. You would have, too, if I wouldn’t have reminded you, right?” He waited for Sam to nod and did the same. “Time means little when you are hypnotized, or when you are distracted enough to just forget it. Others only last a few minutes before they look away, forgetting the rules. At first they were fun, it’s addicting to hear them scream when I suddenly appear in front of them, but now I usually end it quickly.”

“So, you do kill them,” Sam mumbled.

“Rules are rules, Sam,” Lucifer shrugged. “The ones that are really fun are the ones that go over the time. Sometimes they only last a few hours until their own demons devour them, sometimes it’s days. Some of them beg me to free them, which I do, of course. But they still come with me, so they don’t win one way or the other.”

“Has anyone ever played and won? I mean, ended the game and just… lived their life?”

“You mean, like you did?” Lucifer smirked. “No, as I said, you’re a first, and I’m very surprised by that. Especially since you seem to come back with less fear in your heart every time.”

“Is that bad?” Sam wanted to know. “I know who you are, I know what you do, but do I need to be afraid of you?”

“You should be, of course!” Lucifer laughed and it took him a while to stop, so he could continue speaking. “Sam, do you realize what I could do to you, even now? I could melt your soul by just looking into your eyes deep enough, I could shred your body into millions of pieces or rip your organs out one by one - I could do anything you can imagine and worse. So, yes, you should be very afraid of me.”

For some reason, Sam began to chuckle. He couldn’t help it, even if he knew Lucifer would be able to do all that, it didn’t create fear in him, just amusement. When he managed to stop chuckling and looked back at the Devil, there was nothing but confusion in his eyes.

“I’m sorry!” Sam gasped and forced himself to stop acting crazy. “I… didn’t want to be disrespectful.”

“You are doing a very poor job with that, just so you know,” Lucifer huffed, but he didn’t seem to be angry.

“I don’t know why I am not afraid or scared, I really can’t explain it,” Sam eventually said, calmed down again. “At first I was, I was terrified, but now… I’m not anymore.”

“You are a very strange human, do you know that?”

“Not really news to me,” Sam shrugged. “I’ve always been the freak, I’m used to being called strange.”

For a while the two were silent, but it was not an uncomfortable silence for Sam. He knew Lucifer was right - he was strange - but he didn’t take it as a bad thing for some reason.

“Lucifer?” Sam suddenly asked, his voice an unknown level of softness. Lucifer simply gave a ‘hm?’ back, to which Sam smiled slightly. “Did you ever want to have a friend?”

The Devil was actually taken aback by the question, he only gave a very puzzled look back to the human for a while. Sam knew this was a very personal question and he didn’t really expect Lucifer to even answer it, so his surprise was huge when he eventually did.

“I don’t think I ever did,” a quiet, almost shy voice replied and when he looked up, Sam noticed that Lucifer wasn’t looking at him anymore. “I’m not really the most sympathetic guy in the world or get around a lot, you know?”

“Did you ever think about it?” Sam asked. “You don’t have to answer, if I overstepped a boundary just tell me. I just wondered, that’s all…”

“No, it’s fine,” Lucifer quickly said, almost as if he didn’t want to offend Sam. “But no, I never thought about it. I do not get along with humans, I’m not that type.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Sam sighed. “But having no friends really sucks.”

“According to you or everyone else?” Lucifer asked, confusing Sam for a second.

“What do you mean?” Sam asked.

“Do you feel bad not having friends? Or do you prefer to be on your own and only want one to prove something to your brother?”

Sam huffed, but didn’t answer at first. It wasn’t that he never wanted friends, it just never worked out. He never thought if he actually wanted a friend, though. It was normal to have friends, wasn’t it? Even Dean, as much of an asshole that he was, had friends.

“It would be nice having a friend,” Sam said after thinking for what felt like forever. “Someone who likes me for who I am, who doesn’t tease me all the time and calls me dumb, a baby or a coward… it’s not wrong to want that, is it? Did you never want someone like that?”

Lucifer stayed silent. Somehow, though, Sam didn’t need an answer. It was written all over the other’s face. Yes, Lucifer had wanted someone like that, but he wouldn’t admit it.

“I won’t cry or complain about not having a friend,” Sam continued then, a little quiet. “But I would like to know how it is to have one. I never thought about it as much as I did the last week, since we played the game the first time.”

“Hm,” Lucifer huffed again, his head tilted and studying Sam closely. He tried to spot a trick, a lie, anything to reveal the boy was playing a game himself now, but there was absolutely nothing. Sam’s soul, which was an indicator of both his feelings and actions at all times, was no different than normal and his eyes revealed no trick either. He wondered why, out of all humans coming to him, this one was so different, but there was no answer to this question.

“I know it’s silly, don’t even say it,” Sam said, smiling sadly. “I mean, I’m just a dumb kid, right? Lucky enough that you didn’t kill me already, a powerful being like you. But I feel, if anyone would understand this wish, it might be you…”

“I understand it,” Lucifer answered honestly. “But I do not think you know what you are asking for - or suggesting. Yes, I can talk to you like this, but I am not like you - I do not feel the way you can, I cannot feel joy like you do, happiness or friendship.”

“How do you know if you never tried?” Sam wanted to know. “You didn’t kill me, there must be a reason for that. If you would be just a cruel and evil entity, wouldn’t you have done that by now?”

“Are you suggesting I am not such an entity? Me, the literal devil?”

“No, but there is something else, I think. You must have felt pity for me at least, or sympathy. Curiosity, maybe. I don’t know, but it must have been there. You said this never happened before, right?”

“Indeed, it didn’t. And you are almost right, it was pity for you, I think.”

“If you never felt pity before, but still did for me, why would it be impossible to feel joy? Happiness? Friendship? Or even lo-”

“Don’t!” Lucifer suddenly growled and Sam’s voice died in his throat, his eyes widening in shock. “Do not ever say this word to me, ever!” Lucifer continued with a burning abyss in his blue eyes.

“O-okay, I won’t. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Sam was devastated by the reaction he had caused so suddenly and felt horrible for it. “Lucifer, I’m truly sorry, I -”

“Forget it,” Lucifer said sharply, raising his hand. “I do not know why I felt pity for you, I am starting to regret it, but I accept that I did. I will not, however, be the friend you are looking for. I cannot be. We are too different, there is nothing we have in common and we do not even live in the same dimension of existence.”

“I know that, but…” Sam tried hard to find the right words, to not offend Lucifer even more, but it wasn’t easy. “It’s just that you are the first one I can talk to, without feeling the need to defend myself all the time. I want to know why.”

“I can make you feel that way if you insist,” Lucifer threw in, which angered Sam more than it should have, as it was a very bad joke.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” he said. “If you don’t want to, then just say it. But at least say it outright and don’t hide behind excuses that you can’t, because I don’t believe that.”

“This is strange,” Lucifer mumbled and tipped against his chin. “For a moment I thought you were giving me orders, but that can’t be, right? I must have misunderstood you.”

“Okay, fine,” Sam huffed, having enough of this now. “I get the hint, thanks.”

Without waiting for a reaction or looking back into the mirror, Sam blew out the candle, stood up and unlocked the door before storming out.


	12. The Little Something Sam Didn't Think About

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is so annoyed and angry with himself that it takes him a few hours to come back home. When he does though, he is in complete shock, because there is a little something he did not think about and it leads to some unexpected things happening.

Sam was furious and hurt at the same time. It was impossible to say which emotion was the strongest. He couldn’t believe how stupid he had acted, how naively he had jumped to conclusions that proved how little he knew. Befriending the Devil, what a childish thought was that even? He could have tried befriending God, for that matter, probably with the same success…

“Dean is right, I am a little baby,” Sam muttered and kicked a stone in front of him, hands deep in his pockets and his head as low as never before. “So stupid…”

He really had no desire to go back home, but he knew he would have to do it before Dean came home. It would end very badly for him if his brother found the candle and razor blade on the floor. Not that Sam would have tried to argue - there was no will to fight in him anymore right now - but Dean would throw a huge fit and for that he had no time.

After a while, Sam noticed that he had reached the edge of the town and stopped at the side of the road. In front of him was nothing but the barrens, miles and miles of almost dead-looking nature. He could keep walking, just straight ahead until he reached the next town - or not. Instead of running away though, Sam sat down on the hard ground and sighed. This was a damn mess he had gotten himself into and so far he had no idea how to fix it. Dean hated him, his dad thought he was a complete psycho and the one he had thought would understand was… what? Playing with him? Tricking him? He really didn’t know and it made him even angrier than he already was.

Sam thought about the times he had talked to Lucifer, analyzing why he had begun to see something in the Devil that he was not. Did he ever give him the impression that he cared? Or honestly wanted to help him? The first thing he did was trying to trick him, then blatantly told him he was the reason for his mother’s death. That wasn’t really something people who cared did, Sam knew this much. Still, even after this horrible experience, he came back. Why? Why was there such a morbid curiosity when it came to Lucifer that Sam was unable to fight?

“Maybe I’m going mad,” Sam suggested to himself, but immediately shook his head. “No, that’s not it… I’m not crazy, it’s something else. He said it himself, there is something, I’m not making this up…”

But Lucifer refused to tell him what this something was, wasn’t that the whole point? He refused to tell him what the thing he was missing was when he had asked, even dared him to burn the one thing he had left from his mom. Wasn’t this the definition of manipulating someone? Lucifer wanted Sam to come back, but refused to tell him the reason. And he had been stupid enough to bind himself to the Devil, too! Whatever that meant, another thing Lucifer wouldn’t tell him.

“I need to end this, now,” Sam eventually said. “If I keep coming back he’s going to ruin my life even more…”

With some new hope found, Sam dragged himself up after almost two hours of sitting in the night and thinking. He would go home, take all the candles he had and throw them away and then he would burn the damn book, ending this game once and for all. Maybe he would even take down the big mirror, just in case. Yeah, that sounded like a good idea. He wanted any possibility to talk to Lucifer again gone from his life. Who knew? Maybe the need to talk to him would be gone when all other things were?

Again, it was almost midnight when Sam returned home - somehow he had gotten used to being outside this late. He carefully peeked into the living room to see if he was alone, but Dean was nowhere to be found and it made him feel a little relieved. At least this problem could be pushed back for a while, that was good.

Sam went back into his room, closed the door and immediately pulled his shirt over his head to throw it onto the bed. On his way back he had noticed that he was covered in dirt and blood from his finger and he would have to wash it out before Dean came back. He was about to undo his belt when he heard a voice behind him, stopping him dead in his actions.

“Not that I wouldn’t appreciate the view, but are you sure you want to continue?”

Sam was completely mortified. The hands that had just fiddled on his belt began trembling and cold sweat covered his neck. No, this couldn’t be. He was dreaming, there was no other way. If this was reality, Sam wanted to die right this instant. With fear-wide eyes and as pale as a ghost, he slowly began turning around, hoping, praying, for this to be a sign that he was indeed just going crazy.

There, in the mirror, was Lucifer. He sat on the ground, as before, his fingernails tapping on it impatiently and his face a mask of anger and fury. Sam’s heart stopped, knees giving in the second their eyes met and he simply dropped to the ground, staring at what would definitely be the last memory he had from his life.

“Are you done throwing your temper tantrum?” Lucifer asked ice cold, tilting his head slightly and giving himself an even worse look - the one of sheer disappointment.

“I… I…” Sam’s voice completely failed him, not allowing the boy to form a single sentence.

“I guess that means yes. As I said, I appreciate the view - you do have a very pleasing appearance  - but I am getting more than frustrated, Sam.”

Sam barely registered the compliment in Lucifer’s words, all he saw were dark blue eyes and a face that left no doubt about the shit he stuck in.

“You know, every other human cockroach would be dead by now, believe it or not, even my patience has its limits,” Lucifer continued, his eyes still on the boy. “Can you imagine that it is quite boring to stare at an empty bed for hours?”

“I… I didn’t…” Sam stuttered, but once again his voice just cracked.

“I know, you didn’t know, because you didn’t think. I told you how to summon me, but did I tell you how to make me leave again, too?”

Sam slowly shook his head, pressing his lips together hard to not make the tiniest sound.

“No, I didn’t, precisely. Do you have anything to say, anything to defend yourself or to excuse your carelessness?”

“I’m… sorry?” Sam felt like an idiot for apologizing, but it was all that came to his mind at the moment.

“At least something, I guess,” Lucifer huffed and rolled his eyes slightly. When he looked back at Sam, his posture was a little less frightening, or maybe Sam just imagined that. Still, it gave him his voice back partially.

“I didn’t… mean to make you wait,” he managed to say slowly and lowered his head. “And I’m sorry for… being so dumb before. And rude.”

“You want to know how to get rid of me, I assume.”

Sam nodded after a few moments, but didn’t look back up. For some reason he couldn’t look into Lucifer’s eyes while answering this question. He waited for the other to continue speaking, but minutes passed without another word, so eventually, Sam forced himself to look up.

The two looked at each other in silence for a long time. Sam really tried to figure out what the expression on Lucifer’s face meant, but he couldn’t believe that it meant what it would be on the face of a normal human - sadness. Why would the Devil be sad? It made no sense.

“You wish to stop speaking to me, is that true, Sam?” Lucifer finally asked. Sam wanted to nod, but he didn’t move an inch, just looked back at him. “So?”

“I don’t,” Sam whispered almost inaudibly.

“Then why do you want to ask me how to do it?”

“Because…”

“You don’t know, do you?” Lucifer asked and laughed silently. “Sam, Sam, Sam… what should I do with you?”

“Be nice, for a change?” Sam mumbled, hoping the other wouldn’t hear him, but of course he did.

“Nice, hm? You do remember who I am, right?” Lucifer smirked. “For you it is either form what you would call a friendship or never speak again, is that correct?”

“Maybe,” Sam looked away, blushing slightly.

“All or nothing, I like that,” Lucifer said with a little pride in his voice. “I did the same a long time ago.”

“What happened?” Sam couldn’t hide his surprise, but his curiosity won once again.

“Let’s just say things did not go as I had expected them to,” Lucifer answered with a sad smile. “So, you really want this. You want to be my friend, knowing that it will stay a one-sided friendship? Because I can say I am your friend, but I will not feel it.”

Sam closed his eyes, smiling slightly.

“I already bound myself to you, I gave you power over my life by telling you my name. How much worse can it get from here?”

“Oh, believe me, it can get much worse,” Lucifer huffed. “There is one thing that you need to know, however. I will not be here to prep-talk you or to listen to every little problem you have. In fact, nothing will change, apart from you using the word friend for me. I will not suddenly turn nice and fun, I will not come hug you when you need it or hold your hand when you are sad.”

“I figured,” Sam said, looking back at Lucifer. “So, it will just be something I am making up, a make believe… we won’t be friends, not really.”

“Why is this so important to you? You know about the horrific and gruesome things I do, how I torture humans and corrupt their souls. This is what I am, what I will always be. Nothing you do will stop me from continuing, so why do you want to be my friend? Why would you befriend a monster that could kill you at any given moment?”

A long minute of silence passed before Sam spoke again, his voice soft and quiet.

“If you were a monster, I would be scared of you,” he said. “Maybe I’m just going crazy.”

“Sam, you will have no benefit of calling me your friend. I can only appear to you like this, inside a mirror, and I cannot be anything a friend could be like this,” Lucifer started, sounding a little hesitating. “If it truly is what you desire, I will agree, under one condition.”

“If you say you want my soul, I’m going to scream and smash this mirror!” Sam said. It was supposed to come out as a joke, but somehow ended up sounding very sincere.

“Your soul is not what I want, Sam,” Lucifer smiled. “I just want you to seal our friendship by giving me your hand.”

“M-my hand?” Now Sam was at a complete loss of words. “H-how?”

“Come closer and you will see.”

Sam had no idea what Lucifer wanted to do, but he did as he was told and shoved himself closer to the mirror, until he almost touched the glass. He watched Lucifer go on his knees just as he had done himself and lay his hand against the mirror.

“You know what to do, don’t you?” Lucifer asked and Sam slowly nodded, then put his hand against the glass himself, against the devil’s.

Strangely, the glass beneath Sam’s hand was as cold as ice. He had touched this mirror countless of times before, but it had never been this cold.

“You wish to be friends with the devil, is that correct?” Lucifer asked with a serious voice and Sam nodded again.

“Yes, this is my wish,” he said.

“Very well.”

Suddenly, the cold beneath his hand transformed and Sam watched with wide eyes how Lucifer’s fingertips emerged from the glass. He couldn’t even breathe when their fingers entwined, his own sliding into the mirror themselves. The feeling that rushed through his body was more intense than anything else he had ever felt before - it was as if he had been struck by lightning that kept circulating in his body. Even the hairs on his arms rose.

“What is happening to me? What are you doing?” Sam’s voice was filled with sheer panic, even though he didn’t feel any damage being done, it was a scary experience.

Instead of giving an answer, though, Lucifer seemed to be surprised as well, even if not as much as Sam was. His eyes stared at their entwined hands completely fascinated and hypnotized, to the point that his face had such a calm expression that it sent new shivers down Sam’s spine.

“L-lucifer?” Sam asked again, finally drawing a reaction.

“I have never seen this happen,” the Devil answered. “I… I cannot explain it.”

“You’re not doing this yourself?”

Lucifer shook his head, increasing Sam’s fear even more. He tried to pull away, but it was impossible to move his hand even for an inch, as if he was stuck in the mirror. Just when he was sure he couldn’t take it anymore something pushed him away with so much force that his hand ripped away from Lucifer’s and he crashed back until hitting the bed. When he finally managed to collect himself enough to look back at the mirror, he saw Lucifer getting off the ground, too.

“What the hell just happened?” Sam asked, but again Lucifer only shook his head.

“I didn’t know this would happen, I swear,” he said. “Did you hurt yourself?”

Sam was confused by this question, but after checking himself, shook his head.

“No, I think I’m fine. What about you?”

“Me neither. I am sorry, this was not what I intended, but it certainly made an impact.”

“Say that again,” Sam huffed and then, surprisingly, laughed out. “So, are we friends now? Did we just seal a pact of sorts?”

“Not that I am aware of,” Lucifer chuckled. “But yes, we are.”

“Huh.” Sam wasn’t sure what had happened, but they were friends now, so he guessed it was okay. Or it would be soon.

“You should rest now, Sam. Whatever happened, it exhausted you.”

“You can see that too? What can you not see, Mars?”

“Actually…”

“Oh, hell no!” Sam protested and earned an amused smile from Lucifer. “Tell me how to send you back, it would be kinda awkward if you watched me sleep.”

“It would be indeed. And I fear it could give you the wrong impression if I watched you undress completely,” Lucifer smirked mischievously. “Just light the candle again, then use your fingers to turn it out and tell me to leave.”

Sam laughed at how close he had actually become to ending the summoning, but still relit the candle and did as Lucifer told him.

“Are you okay with this?” Sam asked before sending Lucifer away again, a little concerned. “I mean, that I call you my friend? I know it doesn’t mean the same to you, but I don’t want you to feel like I am using you.”

“Sam,” Lucifer chuckled. “I am completely fine with it, I promise.”

“Okay, good,” Sam smiled. “Thank you.” He used his fingers to put out the candle, closing his eyes. “Farewell, Lucifer. I’m looking forward speaking to you again.”

“I am too, Sam,” Lucifer said softly, but when Sam opened his eyes to look at him one last time, the mirror only showed his own reflection already. With a sigh, he sat back down against the bed, contemplating what had just happened.


	13. A Sickness Of The Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After what had happened between him and Lucifer, Sam doesn't feel well. He is plagued by horribly intense nightmares and a fever so strong, he barely gains consciousness throughout the next day. It's all just a mixture of agony and fire and when he finally wakes up again to think, all he can think of is Lucifer and if he experiences the same horror as him.

Sam slept for almost fourteen hours straight this night, waking up way past two in the afternoon with what felt like a nasty hangover. His head felt like it would explode when he opened his eyes and the bright daylight hit them, so he quickly covered them with his blanket, groaning in pain. Apart from the horrendous headache, Sam experienced an extreme nausea, which he was barely able to control.

“What the hell…” he growled into his pillow, fighting with himself to not throw up right now into his sheets. Something was wrong with him, but he was unable to think at the moment, yet alone figure out why he felt this way.

It took almost an hour before Sam finally managed to crawl out of bed, only to rush to the bathroom and empty his stomach right away. When he was able to get back on his feet, legs shaking and holding onto the sink, what he saw in the bathroom mirror looked like a corpse. He had dark rings under his eyes, which themselves were completely dull, and his skin was much paler than usual, almost white.

“Shit… I’m getting sick…”

A sickness was the most logical explanation Sam could come up with and even if is wasn’t that, he had no strength to actually care right now. He brushed his teeth to get the disgusting taste out of his mouth, then dragged himself back to the bed. Within seconds, Sam was out again, his weakened body unable to stay conscious.

When he woke up the next time, it was around six and Sam didn’t wake up by himself, but by an agonizing pain in his chest, that made him feel like he would explode. It only lasted for a few seconds before simply vanishing, but this short time had been enough to make him break out into cold sweat. He only lasted a few minutes awake before, once more, drifting into a sleep that was more or less a black out.

When it was long dark already, Sam’s eyes fluttered open again at the sound of knocking on his door. He didn’t recognize the voice because everything sounded like it was muffled through a pillow, but he still forced himself up and slowly made his way to the door to unlock it. His hands were clawing the wooden door as he opened it, shaking and weak. He barely recognized the figure in the frame was his brother’s before collapsing in front of him.

“Sammy? Sammy, stop playing games!” Dean’s voice was confused, then angry, and he knelt down next to his brother. He poked the younger one with a finger, feeling the fever he had and finally realized Sam wasn’t pretending. “Shit!” he hissed.

With a lot of effort, Dean managed to pull Sam back onto the bed and got him out of the pants that were sticking to his skin. His brother’s breath was short and his chest moved heavily, but no matter what he tried, it was impossible to get him to wake up. Eventually, Dean went to the bathroom and took a cloth, holding it under cold water and then carefully laid it onto Sam’s forehead, in hope of it helping with the fever. Their dad was gone, so the Impala was gone too and the next hospital was two towns away. He decided that, if Sam wasn’t better in the morning, he would call an ambulance. For now though, Dean had little choice but to let Sam sleep and hope for the best.

Sam didn’t notice anything his brother did. Instead, he was trapped in a nightmare that kept repeating itself and that made less and less sense every single time he went through it. He heard an unfamiliar voice shout at him in a language he couldn’t understand and shouted back in the same way. The man who shouted at him was tall, with short, dark hair and seemed to be furious with anger and then, without a warning, he was pushed and fell. The fall felt endless, all the while Sam was screaming from the pain on his back - a burning and crushing, as if his skin was torn apart, almost torturous in its intensity. When the fall finally ended, all he could see was fire and he screamed again as flames began to consume him, begging for mercy and release from this hell. Then, it all started again and whatever he did, Sam was unable to do anything else. He was forced to live through the same scene again and again, with no way to escape.

In the morning, Sam finally woke up again. He still felt hot, but it wasn’t as bad as during the night anymore and when he turned his head, he noticed the wet cloth on his pillow. Narrowing his eyes, Sam pushed himself up with his elbows, only to be met with a sharp pain in his head. He gasped and grabbed his head, finding the pain gone as quick as it had come. The noise he made, however, was enough to alarm his brother and soon after he fell into silence, heavy footsteps were outside his door.

“Sammy?” Dean ripped the door open and rushed to the bed, immediately laying a hand on his brother’s forehead. Sam pushed it away angrily.

“Stop screaming!” he groaned. “My head feels like a train hit me.”

“You were burning last night, what the hell did you do? Do you want to die and get me into trouble or what?”

“Yeah, that’s your only problem, of course!” Sam scoffed. “Screw me dying, you could get into trouble! How horrible!”

“What did you take, Sam?” Dean asked again, frustrated and ignoring Sam’s protest to inspect him. “Crack? Coke? H? What?”

“Oh, shut up!” Sam pushed Dean away this time, with more force than before. “I’m not doing drugs, you idiot! I got a virus or some shit, that’s all.”

“You were half dead, Sam!” Dean protested. “I swear, if I find anything in your room I’m gonna -”

“Yeah, yeah, I got that from dad already! I’m gonna get the beating of my life, bla bla bla. Thanks for picking me up, but now leave me the hell alone, I wanna sleep.”

“You ungrateful bastard think I’m just going to do what you say?” Dean provoked Sam, who felt a hot sting in his stomach as anger built up in him.

“Leave. Me. Alone!” Sam was shouting at the last word, which had a weird effect on his brother.

Dean actually flinched and gave Sam a confused glare. For a moment he opened his mouth to talk back, but shut it again without a word and turned around to leave. As soon as the door shut behind him, Sam fell back onto the pillow and closed his eyes. The hot feeling in his stomach was gone again, but when he had shouted at Dean, something interesting had happened to him, too. It had felt like a short electric shock that rushed through him, a little like when he had held Lucifer’s hand, but much less intense, so much that be had barely noticed it.

“What is happening to me?” he asked the ceiling, of course without getting an answer.

He had slept for over a whole day, without eating anything and had experienced the worst nightmares in his life. Was it because of what had happened between him and Lucifer? What if this was the reason and he wasn’t the only one who was affected by it? At this thought, Sam darted up.

“I need to talk to him,” he said. “Now.”

Carefully, to not cause himself any more unwanted pain, Sam got on his feet and locked his door again. He thought about it for a moment, then took his blanket and wrapped it around himself, rather than getting dressed, and reached under the bed for the candle. He had pushed the razor into the wax the night before and now lit the candle, then cutting into the same finger as before to let the blood fall into the flame before closing his eyes.

Lucifer? Are you there?

Sam opened his eyes, meeting Lucifer’s in the mirror and let out a relieved sigh.

“You’re alright,” he whispered.

Lucifer, however, eyed him very closely and what he saw wasn’t satisfying him apparently. He leaned forward and gave Sam a strict look.

“What happened to you? You look like you have seen a ghost, or worse.”

“I feel sick,” Sam admitted and held his head with one hand. It was still hot and he felt a little dizzy, but he had to stay quiet or otherwise Dean would find out what he was doing. “I slept since now…”

“I would hope so, it is barely morning,” Lucifer huffed, but Sam slowly shook his head.

“I mean, I slept until now since I sent you away. Dean says I have a fever and was burning hot last night and I had horrible nightmares.”

“Nightmares?” Lucifer’s interest was sparked at this, but not in a good way.

“I… argued with someone,” Sam remembered and closed his eyes to concentrate better. “He spoke some weird language, like me. A tall, black-haired man, maybe in his thirties or something, I can’t remember…”

Lucifer didn’t interrupt Sam, but the more the boy spoke, the more his skin lost its color .

“We argued and then… he pushed me,” Sam shook his head slightly. “I never felt such pain in my life. It was horrible, as if I was torn apart and my back was ripped open. And then there was fire and everything started over again.”

Sam opened his eyes again, expecting Lucifer to provide some kind of explanation, but all he saw was the most terrified face he had ever seen. Lucifer’s eyes were completely empty and wide and Sam’s heart ached at the sight. He had never seen Lucifer even close to this and all his own pain was blown away looking at him.

“Lucifer?” he asked quietly and crawled closer to the mirror, without even thinking about it. Seeing Lucifer like this broke his heart. “Lucifer, please talk to me.”

“I… I am fine,” Lucifer said slowly, but his expression still didn’t change.

“I’m sorry I told you, I didn’t mean to -”

“No,” Lucifer finally blinked and turned his head, looking at the visibly scared Sam. “You couldn’t have known. Your dream… it happened.”

“What?” Sam’s fear turned into confusion. “What do you mean it happened?”

“Sam… what you saw was one of my memories.”

Eerie silence filled Sam’s room as he tried to wrap his head around this new information. Even after minutes, he couldn’t believe what he had just heard.

“Your memory…” he eventually whispered, still in shock.

“You must have gained access to it when we touched, I’m sorry. It must have been overwhelming.”

“It was, but… you said it’s your memory. So, it happened to you?”

“A long time ago, yes. It’s not a pleasant memory, as you might have noticed. No wonder you are sick, a memory this strong would have undoubtedly already ended your existence if you were anyone else.”

“And why not me?”

“I thought about it, but I couldn’t find a solution,” Lucifer sighed. “There is something that makes you stronger, which is why you survived this experience. Why you got it in the first place, however, I don’t know.”

“I was worried you might go through something similar,” Sam admitted a little embarrassed. “I wanted to know if you were alright.”

“That’s very kind of you, Sam,” Lucifer said, giving the boy a soft smile. “But I feel well.”

“You… didn’t experience anything?” Sam was a little disappointed for some reason.

“In fact, I did. But it wasn’t something unpleasant.”

“What was it?”

“It was like a vision of children playing on a field in the snow. They were laughing and had a lot of fun. It was… rather calming.”

When he heard the words, Sam smiled contently. He knew what Lucifer talked about. At the age of five, he went to a pre-school in a different town. This winter was the first that he had experienced snow and the whole class had spent the whole afternoon on a nearby field, playing and sledding. It was the best day he could remember.

“I saw one of your memories, am I right?” Lucifer asked, already knowing the answer.

“Yeah. It was the best day I ever had in preschool,” Sam said. “But why do I have one of your memories and you have one of mine?”

“It must have happened when we touched, somehow we exchanged them in the process.”

“Weird,” Sam huffed, but still kept his smile. “I wonder why you got a good memory and I got a bad one.”

“I don’t have many good memories, Sam,” Lucifer smiled sadly. “Your memories consist of sixteen years, mine of eons. If you would have gotten a good one, I would be very surprised.”

“Can you remember a good thing?” Sam was wondering, honestly. “I mean, I read a lot of lore in school and libraries, but I don’t think most of it was actually true.”

“If you are referring to me being an angel before becoming the Devil, your lore is correct,” Lucifer said, pausing for a moment. This was a very personal topic for him and usually he wouldn’t speak about it. Sam, however, was genuinely interested in what he had to say it seemed and didn’t want information to use them against him. So, eventually, he continued. “I was an angel, I had brothers and yes, I fell. What you have experienced last night was my memory of it.”

“Of your… fall?” Sam was shocked. Yes, he had read of Lucifer’s fall from Heaven, but he never imagined it being like this. He had imagined a war, fighting, not what he had experienced.

“My brother cast me out, at the will of our father,” Lucifer noticed Sam’s confused glare and nodded. “Yes, I am talking about God. I never told anyone about this, but you have seen what happened, this is different. Michael, my older brother, did it. I begged, pleaded, asked him why he was so blind to see the truth I had seen. But he wouldn’t listen. Michael was the loyal son, he never questioned an order, never questioned our father’s words.”

“Your own brother cast you out of heaven?” Sam was close to tears.

“Father ordered it and Michael obeyed, yes,” Lucifer confirmed. “When an angel falls, their wings will burn to ashes. That was the pain in your back you experienced.”

“It must have been horrible,” Sam’s voice was thick from a sadness he had never thought he could feel. He wished he could take everything that had happened back; take the painful memory away from Lucifer.

“You cannot fathom the true pain, Sam. Be glad about that,” Lucifer sighed sadly. “It has been a long time since I thought about what happened, but I have received my punishment for the treason I have committed. You know my consequences.”

“Becoming the Devil, yeah… say, Lucifer, do you regret what happened?” Sam caught the surprised glance from the other, smiling slightly. “I mean, that you did what you did. Would you rather be back home?”

“No, I don’t regret what I did,” Lucifer shook his head. “My punishment did not fit the crime, I did not lie when I did what I did. In fact, I never lied before I fell. I refused to love humans more than I loved my father and my brothers, for this, I was punished. When you experience such a huge injustice that it shatters your world and your faith is destroyed beyond repair, you do what you have to do, what you feel is the right thing.”

“I know what you mean,” Sam sniffed and wiped a stray tear away from his eyes. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this. It’s not fair that you are punished for wanting justice.”

“You don’t have to feel sorry for me,” Lucifer answered with a sad look on his face. “I am what I am, it has been like this for almost as long as your world exists. It’s how it was supposed to be.”

“Still,” Sam shook his head. “You don’t deserve this. Being punished for loving someone is just wrong…”

Lucifer stayed silent, but Sam understood. He was a proud being, Sam showing pity towards him was scratching on this pride and he wouldn’t admit it.

“I should try to sleep a little more,” Sam mumbled after a while, his head beginning to hurt again already. He was glad Lucifer was safe and didn’t suffer, but he was still very tired.

“You should rest, yes,” Lucifer agreed with a calm voice. “I am grateful for your concern, Sam. I really appreciate it. Now look after yourself and get well again.”

“I will, promised,” Sam smiled. “If you don’t mind, I will talk to you again when I feel better.”

“I am looking forward to it.”

Sam put out the candle between his fingers and smiled at the mirror.

“Goodbye, Lucifer.”

“Goodbye, Sam.”


	14. Worst Case Scenario

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is finally able to overcome the nightmares and recover a little, only to find out that his brother has done the absolute worst thing he could have possibly done. He panics, knowing what this could all lead to, but he soon realizes that crying over spilled milk won't help anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is VERY short and I apologize for it, but I hope the finale makes up for it!

Sam managed to sleep for five more hours, exhausted and weak, but at the same time utterly relieved. There were no nightmares this time and no new memories, instead an overwhelming calmness fell over the boy. When he woke up the next time, his head and stomach felt fine again and when he checked his temperature, it seemed to be back to normal too.

He kept laying in his bed for a few more minutes, just glad the horrible last day was behind him, before getting up and taking a shower. Because of the fever, Sam’s skin was sticky and dirty, but the hot water quickly took care of that and helped him relax even further. It felt heavenly to let the water run over his body and just feel it flow. Sam barely moved for a long time, simply closed his eyes and enjoyed the moment.

After showering and brushing his teeth again - the strange taste was still in his mouth for some reason - he went back to his room and pulled the sheets off his bed. No way he would sleep in them again, and then got some clothes to get dressed. So far he couldn’t hear his brother, but he was pretty sure he was in the apartment somewhere or hooking up with another chick. He would go see if he could find any food soon and if not, if the money his dad had left was still there. He kind of doubted the latter was the case, but checking wouldn’t hurt.

Even though he was hungry as hell, Sam decided to put new sheets on the bed first, before getting something into his stomach. He had no idea what this day would bring and to be honest, making his bed in the middle of the night was nothing he wanted to do. So, after tidying up and making sure he would be able to fall into his bed without a big hassle later, Sam finally left his room.

Dean’s door was closed, but that didn’t have to mean a thing. Sam walked over to the kitchen, which was empty apart from some old coffee mugs and beer bottles. He found a very suspicious looking egg in the fridge - probably a few weeks rotten already - and a few more beer bottles, but there was no food that wouldn’t end his life in it. Sighing, Sam turned to the cupboards and searched them. The result was the same; nothing. Of course there was no money to be found anywhere. Sam was annoyed when all he found was a cereal bar he usually hated, but it was better than starving, so he took it and stomped back to his room.

Luckily, this wasn’t the first time Sam was left without food or their dad, so he was prepared for this kind of scenario already. He got the money he hid in one of his drawer and counted it. Not much was left, he would have to get a job to refill his stash soon, but it was enough to buy food for the next few days. He wasn’t sure when his dad would come back, so it was better to make sure he would last a while. He got his jacket and boots, then left the apartment.

Unfortunately, Sam forgot to lock his room before leaving, something he never did, knowing full well that privacy was not something that was held sacred in their household. He didn’t realize someone had been in his room when he came back with his food, though, so he simply sat down and began to eat. His hunger had become almost unbearable and he managed to eat twice as much as he normally would to satisfy it.

When he was done and had put the rest of his purchase into his nightstand - no way he would allow Dean to snag his food again - he decided to clean up his backpack. He had used it randomly for a while now and a lot of trash had piled up in it. The moment he picked it up, however, Sam’s hand holding it turned into a fist and horror took over him. The backpack was too light. Panicking, Sam turned it over and emptied the contents on the floor, only to find his worst fear coming to reality.

The Devil’s Game was gone.

“No, I just misplaced it, that’s all,” Sam tried to calm himself down, but it quickly turned out that he hadn’t. The book was nowhere in his room and he was sure he had put it back into the backpack while cleaning up the last time. It was simply nowhere to be found.

Not wanting to believe that his brother had sunk this low, Sam stormed out of his room and directly into Dean’s, which was empty of course. Cursing himself for being too stupid to lock his door, Sam continued his search around the apartment for his brother, but it seemed that he, along with Sam’s possessions, was gone.

After finally giving up his search, the younger brother plopped onto the couch in the living room, face in his hands and desperately tried to come up with a solution to his problem. If Dean had taken the book and intended to use it, how could he stop him? He didn’t even know where to begin searching, yet alone did he have the strength to confront his brother, who would probably be out of his mind considering what he had done. Was this all because of a stupid argument over him being sick? Sam couldn’t believe that.

“Why does he hate me so much?” Sam asked himself, failing to not tremble at the thought. “I can’t change what happened, so why does he hate me for it?”

The answer was as obvious as the question itself and it hit Sam hard when he realized the truth behind it. He simply did. Whatever Sam had done throughout the last years had pushed his brother further and further away from him. Every attempt to calm the waves somehow, had ended is an even worse disaster. It was the same with his dad, but Sam realized that the sides had somehow switched during the last year or two. Now Dean was the more aggressive one, the one who would more obviously hate and hurt him and John was… What? Sam didn’t know. Maybe he gave up on hating, or maybe he simply stopped caring at all.

Dean, however, did not stop caring. Instead, he had decided to ruin Sam’s life the best he could, without even realizing it. Whatever Sam did, Dean mocked him for it. Good grades? Dean called him a nerd and said he would never get laid. Dressed in all black? Dean called him an emo, a satanist or a zombie. Sam did anything that was not what his brother would do? Dean called him a chick and told him to grow some balls. It was impossible to please his brother, Sam didn’t even know why he kept trying.

“Because Dean is all I have left…” Sam eventually sniffed and wiped his eyes. “He’s the only one who I know loved me at some point…”

Not anymore though, that was for sure. Sam didn’t know the exact moment Dean stopped loving him, but it was as obvious as the Amen in church at this point. He finally realized that he had no one left who would miss him when he was gone, or who would fight for his safety. Yes, Sam would still do so for his dad and Dean, but what was it worth if he was the only one who felt this way? Nothing, exactly.

Sam finally gave up wasting his time and decided to act. Sure, he couldn’t stop Dean from doing something that would hurt him, but he knew where he would have to do it after all, right? There was only one place Dean could possibly go to and Sam knew about it.

“I won’t let him fuck this up too,” Sam said angrily and balled his fists. “He won’t fuck this up, not when I can stop him.”

Sam got up from the couch and walked back to his room, debating if he should speak to Lucifer once more to warn him, but decided against it. Lucifer wouldn’t let himself be fooled by his brother, no matter how smart Dean thought he was. The Devil had dealt with worse humans before. Still, Sam was determined to stop his brother this time. He would teach him a lesson for once, no matter the costs.


	15. Freedom At Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam begs that he is not too late, that Dean has not done anything dumb yet, but his brother has one last surprise for him that leaves the boy more shattered than ever before. It's a matter of life and death, Sam knows it, but he also knows that no one else but him can end this once and for all...

Sam arrived at the old church shortly before the sunset and upon checking if it was still open, found the door unlocked as before. He could have waited outside for his brother to show up, but there were barely any hideouts from where he could see the entrance completely and if he would miss him, things could go bad. So, instead of waiting outside, Sam sneaked into the church once more and found it empty. He took the key to the storage room and put it into his pocket, just so Dean wouldn’t be able to go through with what he most likely had planned. He then found a good spot in a niche that was completely covered in shadows and waited.

Hours passed, slow but steady, and when Sam heard the silent bells from the other churches signaling eleven o’clock, he began to feel uneasy. What if he was wrong? What if Dean had simply decided to steal the book and throw it into a river or something? Or, even worse, if he had already entered the room and Sam didn’t notice? He had not checked if the door was locked or not before taking the key, Dean could be in there already, waiting for the right time.

Scared he might be too late, Sam fiddled the key out of his pocket and ran to the storage room door. He pushed the handle down and stormed forward, smashing against the door that was still locked and hitting his forehead hard.

“Fuck!” he groaned and stepped back, a little shaky on his feet. He was slightly relieved when he realized what had just happened, but when he heard a voice behind him this relief quickly turned into fear again.

“You!”

Sam spun around, facing his brother in the dark church. The moon highlighted parts of the chapel, enough for him to recognize Dean, but it made his brother look almost demonic.

“Dean, give me my book back and leave,” Sam forced himself to speak as calm as possible, to not anger the other further. “You don’t want to do this, trust me.”

“Oh, I want this,” Dean grinned cruelly and Sam saw at the gleam in his eyes that his brother was once again drunk out of his mind. “I’m gonna kick your boyfriend’s ass, that’s what I’m gonna do.”

“Stop being so dumb, Dean!” Sam tried reasoning with the older one, despite knowing it was useless. “You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into!”

Dean growled and suddenly stormed forward and the next thing Sam felt was a sharp pain on his right cheek, spreading through his whole face and making him scream out. He stumbled backwards, but another hit followed, directly on his right eyebrow, which caused him to hit the floor with so much force, it felt as if his back exploded.

“You’ll stop fucking around now, Sammy,” Dean growled and jumped onto his brother, pressing him down and at the same time beginning to throw more blows at him. “I won’t allow it any longer. You. Will. Stop. Now.”

With each word, another blow hit Sam - in his sides, chest and face just the same - and it was simply impossible to defend himself against all of them. He tried his best, screaming and writhing in pain, but it only seemed to anger Dean even further. Hell, he even begged him to stop, but nothing he did had any effect on his brother at all.

“I will teach your stupid boyfriend a lesson!”

Sam didn’t know why Dean kept calling Lucifer his boyfriend and the pain was too intense to even try to make sense of this, he just kept begging his brother to stop, without any success. Finally, when Sam could barely hold his consciousness anymore and stopped defending himself, Dean let go off him and got back on his feet. He kicked his brother one last time in the back, causing him to let out another pain-filled wail, before walking over to the spot where Sam had dropped the key to pick it up.

It was impossible for Sam to move, to prevent Dean from walking into the storage room and shut the door behind him. He gritted his teeth and tried crawling towards the door, but with every inch he managed to move forward, the door seemed to be further away from him. Rationally, Sam knew this was just his fading consciousness, but it didn’t help at all. He knew Dean would follow the instructions in the book, that he would summon Lucifer and might end up worse than he ever imagined. Still, no matter how hard he tried, it was impossible to get back up on his feet or reach the door and eventually, his body simply gave up and he broke down on the hard and cold ground - bleeding in agony, praying his brother wouldn’t succeed, despite knowing better - and then everything turned black.

Sam’s eyes flew open again at a sound so eerie it made him forget all the pain his body was subjected to - a sound that he knew could only have one origin: Dean. He forced his arms to push him up, biting his lip so hard that his teeth drove through the flesh.

“D…ean….” he couldn’t get the word out loud enough for anyone but himself to hear and cursed himself for being so weak again.

Eventually, Sam managed to get on his feet, even if it was a challenge to stay upright and move forward; he did it anyways. He heard mumbled words from behind the closed door, but couldn’t make out the meaning behind them or who spoke, as his ears were filled with dried blood and everything was dull and felt numb. Despite that, he kept moving and finally crashed against the door. This little effort pushed it open and Sam found a scene from his worst nightmares: Lucifer held his brother by the throat, pushing him against a wall. The panic in Dean’s eyes spoke more than words ever could.

“Lucifer, no!” Sam summoned every little bit of strength he had left to get the words out, the weak and pleading sound enough to make Lucifer turn around. He loosened his grip, so Dean dropped to the ground and suddenly, all the Devil’s attention was solely on Sam. “Please… don’t…” the boy continued when strong and unusually cold arms held him up. He barely recognized the weight of this being even possible, right now he just wanted to stop Lucifer from hurting his brother.

“Sam, don’t speak,” Lucifer said and tried to make the boy sit, but Sam vehemently shook his head.

“Don’t… hurt him…” he whispered, finding Lucifer’s blue eyes with his own, tear-filled ones. “Please…”

“Sam, look what he did to you,” Lucifer protested, shooting a furious glare at the direction of the older brother, who flinched at the sight. “He did this, no one else.”

“I know,” Sam groaned, but kept shaking his head. “But you don’t have to do this…”

“I want to do it, Sam,” Lucifer growled dangerously. “He hurt you, I want to hurt him too.”

Lucifer was about to stand back up and finish what he started, when Sam reached up and cupped his face with one of his blood-covered hands. The Devil’s eyes filled with confusion when the boy smiled at him - knowing and calm at the same time.

“Don’t do it for me,” Sam whispered. “He’s dumb, don’t go down on his level…”

Lucifer was speechless. Sam’s hand was hot and bloody - a direct cause of his own brother’s actions, who had beaten him mercilessly and without caring about the damage that would follow - and still, Sam’s heart was not filled with anger or hate. All Lucifer felt was pity and a love so unconditionally that it physically hurt him.

“Sam…” Lucifer sighed, covering the boy’s hand with his own, keeping it in place. It was a pleasant feeling somehow. “He will never stop. He is a disgusting example of the human race, ungrateful, cruel, selfish and self-destructive all at once. I can end his existence in a heartbeat, spare others from the pain he causes day in and day out.”

Sam nodded, but it wasn’t because he agreed with Lucifer’s plan.

“What if you do? He will be dead and the damage will still be done. You are better than him,” he smiled weakly at the blond man. “You don’t have to follow the same path, not if you don’t want to.”

“What if I let him live?” Lucifer asked confused. “Do you want him to hurt you again and again until he drives you into killing yourself? I know you have thought about this before, Sam. This is not what you deserve.”

“And neither do you,” Sam said. “I’m not gonna let him hurt me again.”

“You don’t know the sickness in his heart, Sam. He will do it whether you want it or not.”

After a few minutes of silence, Sam nodded slowly. He let his hand drop, rested it on Lucifer’s shoulder, and used the other’s strength to push himself up. Lucifer steadied him carefully, one arm wrapped around Sam’s waist and the other holding his arm.

“Leave. With me” Sam eventually said, completely serious. “Turn your back at everything and just leave.”

“Sam, I can’t do that,” Lucifer protested and almost pushed away, but Sam’s shaking knees made him stop immediately. “I… can’t just leave.”

“Why not? He freed you, didn’t he?” Sam smiled. “Come with me. I don’t wanna live with him anymore, I can’t stand his face a second longer. And you hate your life too, don’t you? Just come with me and leave it all behind. You showed me that I have been clinging to something that destroyed me, that ruined me. I don’t live in the past anymore, thanks to you, and you don’t have to either. We can leave together, if we want to.”

Lucifer stayed silent and turned his head, looking at the terrified human that was pressing himself against the wall with everything he had - if it would have been possible, Dean would be one with the wall already. He thought about Sam’s words, knowing very well that he was saying the truth. He hated his existence, the things he did, even if his hatred for humanity was almost as big. But Sam? Sam was different. He wanted Sam safe and if it was Sam’s wish to leave with him, then he would not decline, he simply couldn’t.

“Sam, we will not leave for paradise, you know that, right?” Lucifer finally asked, looking back at the human he held. Sam nodded patiently.

“No, we will leave and it will be hard. But you are free now, Lucifer! You are not trapped in a mirror anymore, at least one good thing my brother ever did for me.”

“Do you really want this, Sam?” Lucifer wanted to make sure. “Do you want to run away, leave your life behind and be in danger of being hunted down at any time? I am Heaven’s most wanted, remember. The moment we step out of this church, we will be on the run from every angel heaven has.”

“I don’t care,” Sam said. “I got you, don’t I? You can protect me from them. I’m not afraid.”

Lucifer tightened his grip around Sam’s waist and his eyes got a bit darker; determined.

“If this is your wish, I will protect you.”

“Then let’s leave” Sam smiled. “I need a place to rest, right now it feels like I’m dying.”

A mischievous smile appeared on Lucifer’s lips before he closed his eyes and began to mumble in a language Sam didn’t understand. As he spoke the words, he let his hands run over Sam’s body carefully, spreading a warmth through the boy’s skin and muscles he had never felt before. He closed his eyes, savoring the tenderness of Lucifer’s actions and the feeling it gave him, without even realizing that he began to feel less weak every second. When Lucifer finally fell silent again and Sam opened his eyes, he found the other with so much pride in his eyes that he ultimately cracked a smile himself.

“I can do at least this much,” Lucifer said and took one of Sam’s hand in his own. “I cannot take away the pain you feel in your heart, but I can mend your wounds.” To Sam’s utter surprise, Lucifer bowed his head and placed the most gentle and soft kiss on his knuckles. “How do you feel now?”

“Better, thank you,” Sam chuckled, gripping Lucifer’s hand tight. “Do you really want to leave with me? I know you feel differently than I do, but”

“Stop, before you finish this sentence, and listen,” Lucifer interrupted Sam by holding up a hand. “I have to take back what I said before, that I couldn’t feel anything about all of this. It’s not true. I do feel something, but I cannot understand it yet. I want to protect you and I want you to be happy, this is why I will leave with you. I have no desire to hurt you or do horrible things when I am with you. Something about you is… different. And I like the feeling of being close to you.”

Sam didn’t think he had ever smiled this brightly, or felt so much joy before. Lucifer’s words sparked more than just a glimmer of hope, it was almost like a firework inside of his chest and he gripped his hand tighter at the intense feeling.”

“As if,” he said and looked up with a soft gaze, “you found something you didn’t know you missed before?”

Lucifer was startled for a moment, unsure what Sam meant, until it finally clicked.

“That sounds about right,” he said calmly. “Apparently you were not the only one missing something, Sam.”

“No, but I’m glad I found it,” Sam exclaimed and pulled Lucifer closer to him, into a tight embrace. He finally realized why it had felt so weird all the time, but now the confusion was gone and he saw the truth behind all of this. When Lucifer held him, he felt as safe as never before and the other’s strong arms wouldn’t vanish again, so much he knew. He felt truly blessed.

“I am too,” Lucifer mumbled against the boy’s head, a warm feeling spreading in his chest - the first in eons of his imprisonment. “Let’s go home, Sam.”

Sam nodded, even though he didn’t know where home was anymore. It didn’t really matter though. Home was where Lucifer was now and he would become stronger soon, too. Sam wanted to cherish this gift he had received and be worthy of having Lucifer in his life - no matter how hard he had to fight for it.

He understood why Lucifer had dared him to burn his last memory of his mother now. It was impossible to see before, but the letter had always been a burden on Sam’s mind, reminding him of what happened and made him feel an anguishing guilt that he could never shake off. Once it was gone though, Sam’s soul was free from his past, free from what he had always blamed himself for. It was a cruel thing to request and Sam was heartbroken when he watched his mother’s letter go up in flames, but he knew now why it had to be done. Yes, it had taken the destruction of a treasured memory and his whole life had to shatter, but he finally found the thing - no, the one - he was missing his whole life and this made every pain worth it.

Lucifer gently ended their embrace, but kept his arm around Sam, who in return laid his head against the slightly taller man’s shoulder. They exchanged another smile that didn’t need any words and walked out of the room and out of the church, together, completely ignoring Sam’s brother or any of the consequences their actions had. They were not important anymore. From now on, it was Lucifer and Sam and for the first time in years, Sam felt true happiness. He had to fall for the Devil to find it, but he was determined to never let it go again. So what if heaven would be after them? Being by Lucifer’s side felt right, it was where Sam belonged. He would never leave his side again, never in a million years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sad this is over now, but you have all been so wonderful and kind and made posting this story the best experience ever! I hope you enjoyed this ending and the story itself ♥


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